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Just a quick word of advice: skip this post. No, really, skip it. It’s about people doing things with body parts and… well, it’s not so much a body part as a body by-product. And no, not poop. Or pee. I’d rather write about someone like Juan Manuel Marquez drinking his own urine. Honestly, that’s more appetizing. If you read ahead and are thoroughly disgusted, it is your own fault. We warned you.

Robin van Persie
(He’s not clutching it in pain, he’s making sure nothing disgusting gets rubbed onto it.)

A couple days ago, Arsenal lost striker Robin van Persie to a nasty sprain in a friendly between the Netherlands and Denmark. See, it’s ironic because getting your ankle exploded isn’t friendly at all. Anyway. Now comes the healing process, and while that’s expected to take 4-6 weeks, van Persie’s wanting to get back sooner. So he’s pursuing “alternative treatments,” which probably just means he’s getting some acupuncture and–wait, what? Oh sweet Jesus, that’s not it at all, there’s afterbirth involved. Oh God no.

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Diving Controversy Comes To A Head In Britain

I think we can all agree that diving is a big turnoff, and a contributing reason that soccer hasn’t really caught on in the U.S. But as fake fouls go, you have to admit that Arsenal’s Eduardo took it to the top level in a Champions League game against Celtic last week.

Somehow, Eduardo got the ref to buy it when he flopped near the goal while being challenged by Celtic keeper Artur Boruc. Of course, Boruc threw a royal fit, because he clearly didn’t touch anyone. (Video below). But here’s a surprise: The UEFA has retroactively banned Eduardo for two games for the trickery.

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EPL Star Designs For Chicks, Thinks He’s A Horse

If you thought Russian hockey players were strange, they’ve got nothing on their soccer counterparts. Within days of moving to London side Arsenal for a club-record $23 million, the British tabloid NEWS OF THE WORLD combed through just about every written or spoken word the Russian star Andrey Arshavin has produced. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s just about the strangest character to set foot on a pitch since, well, since the last time anyone played soccer.

andrey arshavin clothing arsenal
(Meet Andrey Arshavin: Women’s designer, premiership star.)

Not only does Arshavin design a popular women’s clothing line — he allegedly studied sewing when he was in school because of a better male-to-female ratio — he also dreams that he’s a horse in a field entirely enshrouded by guinea pigs.

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Blog-O-Rama: Coverage of ‘Patron Race Walk?’

• The AOL FAN HAUS has a novel idea: let’s have coverage of the 8 a.m. patron stampede at Augusta.

DEADSPIN has your Manchester vs. Arsenal live blog love.

Arsenal Emirates Stadium

• Timberwolves fans are not happy that their team keeps winning. TNABACG explains. Read more…

UK Soccer Goalie Aghast With Ghosts In His Home

THE SUN sends along spirited news that a soccer goalie for Arsenal believes his house is haunted.

Manuel Almunia ghost

Manuel Almunia claims he’s heard chains rattling and stereos turning on by themselves in the middle of the night at his Abbots Langley home. And his wife has even supposedly seen the ghost of a monk: Read more…