Admit it: We all love the Schadenfruede of watching prominent athletes and major figures in sports unravel in the hands of the law. As long as other human beings aren’t hurt, the entire experience is relatively harmless … except for the celebrities themselves, and they’re better financially equipped to deal with these crises than anyone else. That’s why, rather than tell you about one demoralizing, stupify Friday arrest, we’re going to tell you about two, then have you choose which one you think is worse. Think of it as the “Choose Your Own Adventure” of celebrity athlete stupidity! Prepare for tales of woe from former Jets-turned-Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma and Texas baseball coach Augie Garrido, one of the only coaches to win a national title at more than one school.

(You know, we’d be intimidated by Jonathan Vilma, too.)

Let’s start with Senor Vilma, the former Miami Hurricane who was arrested Friday afternoon. According to a police report obtained by the MIAMI HERALD, the former Pro Bowler was arrested for reckless driving and resisting arrest after allegedly leading police to pull him over after he nearly hit not one, but two different pedestrians. When police asked him to step outside his Range Rover because its windows were too tinted for them to see into, Vilma refused, leading to a confrontation where he moved aggressively toward an unarmed officer before being cuffed while thrashing and jailed for resisting arrest.

Garrido’s case is both less glamorous and more predictable. The man who turned Cal-State Fullerton into a baseball Titan before leaving for Austin was pulled over on West Sixth Street and arrested for driving while intoxicated either very late Friday night or early Saturday morning. Making matter worse, the AUSTIN AMERICAN STATESMAN has already determined exactly where he was — Eddie V’s and J. Black’s, both just off the famous Sixth Street party district — and how much he drank — five glasses of red wine — before he was pulled over.

So which incident is more embarrassing? Our analysis might surprise you.

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Minneapolis/St. Paul sports fans were rocked this weekend after longtime KFAN radio personality Jeff “Puffy” Dubay was arrested in a nearby suburb for possession of methamphetamine. He was picked up Wednesday night and released Friday morning without charges, but considering it’s freaking meth which is a freaking felony we’re talking about here, expect charges to be formally filed very soon.

Dubay’s co-host, Paul “P.A.” Allen, told readers of KFAN’s blog that he has “a million things I’d like to say/write about this current ordeal but cannot due to company policy/requests,” which is probably a hell of a lot harder to write than it is to read. On that note, don’t expect KFAN to spend any airtime on the subject, for obvious reasons, but don’t expect to hear “Doobers”–oh god, his nicknames are “Puffy” and “Doobers”? Are we sure he wasn’t picked up for weed?–on the air for a good long while, either.

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