One of the less visible consequences of the global financial crisis that the political party you hate is solely responsible for is the plight of those teams and athletes whose sponsorships dried up alongside the banks’ profit margins. The US speed skating team, in particular, was hard hit; they were due $300,000 from a Dutch bank (Why are the Netherlands trying to buy our athletes? Are Dutch people commies? DEVELOPING…), but when that bank went belly-up, the speed skaters were in need of a real American hero.
(Tragically, the full suit would prove to be too unwieldy for competitive speed-skating. And the sword would melt the ice and nobody wants that.)
In steps one Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, and the greatest nation of them all: Colbert Nation. In a how-did-we-not-see-this-coming move, Colbert announced on Monday that his show and its legions of followers would be sponsoring the team for this year’s Olympics, with logo placement on the uniform and everything. Well played, you bespectacled maniac.
HELIO HANGS UP ON FIANCEE FOR 19 YO DANCE PARTNER: The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reports “Dancing With The Stars” winner Helio Castroneves has dumped his fiancee for his 19-year-old dance partner Julianne Hough *SHOCK*.
Excerpt: “he canned his engagement to fiancée Aliette Vazquez. And on-set snitches are saying his closeness to dance partner Julianne Hough, 19, was a big part of the reason.”
Castroneves: “Aliette was only my girlfriend … maybe remotely a fiancee.”
Hough has won the last two editions of the show (she also won as Apolo Anton Ohno’s partner), so Castroneves probably isn’t the first miner’s helmet flashing into the cavern. (via HOT CLICKS)
USA TODAY reports speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno, 1,500 meter Olympic gold medalist at the 2002 Winter Games, is "asking for security assurances before he decides to compete" at the Skating Union World Cup in South Korea in late November.
Ohno was awarded that gold medal after South Korean Dong-Sung Kim was disqualified for blocking him. A Korean newspaper called Ohno "the most hated man in South Korea."
"Most hated?" Apparently the South Koreans forgot about this war-mongering, a-hole north of the border: