Speed Read: Woods’ Son Ready For PGA In 2027

Some people thought that Tiger Woods would find a way to make it back from his rehab in time to play at the Buick Championships this week at Torrey Pines in San Diego. After all, he’s won the tournament six times, and it was the site of his epic victory over Rocco Mediate in the U.S. Open last June - his last tournament before having season-ending surgery.

Tiger Woods and Family

But he didn’t, and that’s probably a good thing: the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE reports that his wife Elin Nordegren gave birth to their second child on Sunday, a brother to go with their daughter Sam. Put the new Woods scion along with his champion golfer niece, now the Woods gene pool can pretty much dominate both tours for at least the next 40 years.

(*UPDATE*: Tiger announces new kid’s name is Charlie Axel Woods.)

Elin Nordgren

As we mentioned when news of his wife’s pregnancy first broke, it took real courage to have sex with his Swedish model wife while dealing with an ailing knee. But to deal with a pregnant wife while rehabbing, with only the help of a team of nannies, servants and personal assistants? He should be canonized right now. Of course, it would help his case if he bothered to show up for this child’s baptism.

One place Tiger Woods probably won’t be showing up is anywhere with Snoop Dogg there, lest his reputation be sullied by some scallywags discussing nefarious topics such as pimps and hoes. But LenDale White has no such problems, inviting the rapper/actor/youth football coach to his 24th birthday party back in December, just after they beat the Pittsburgh Steelers to clinch the best record in the AFC.

LenDale White and Snoop Dogg

It might seem odd that Snoop Dogg would be at the party, since he is a professed Steelers fan. But he and White go back to White’s time at USC (White even threw Snoop Dogg a ball after a TD while the rapper was standing in the end zone), and White has cameoed in Snoop Dogg videos.

YOU BEEN BLINDED has the video of the night, and you can expect, the language makes it pretty NSFW - there are more N-bombs being dropped in the course of five minutes than at the University of Mississippi in 1962. And make sure you watch until the end for LenDale’s own bit of “freestyling”:

Point of fact here: I’m white, which means I have no idea what “I don’t flow, I just pull hoes” means, but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with yardwork. I’m also pretty sure that Snoop Dogg was a Raiders fan when my roommate had a copy of “The Chronic” in college, and now he’s a Steelers fan but he’s hanging out with the Titans? This guy is the most fickle sports fan since LeBron James.

  • FOOD COURT LUNCH wants to give you a heads up about the latest movie: “Black Mamba, The Helpful Assassin.” Sounds like something Quentin Tarantino would be involved with, co-starring Jim Brown and Pam Grier.
  • Kobe Bryant, aka Black Mamba

  • Who would want a fat outfielder who was one of the biggest (literally) free agent busts in recent memory? Andruw Jones, welcome to the Texas Rangers! RUMORS & RANTS breaks down the freefall that is his career - at the very least, it will be fun to see if he can still be a tub of goo while dealing with Texas summers.
  • ARCA racing: it’s where they put inexperienced drivers on super speedways and wish them Godspeed. Needless to say, a lot of this sort of stuff happens:


    MOTORSPORT.COM says that Patrick Sheltra, the driver who was T-boned in the crash, remains hospitalized with a compression fracture in his back, but the majority of medical tests so far have been negative.
  • SLATE gets down to the truth of the matter: the SI report that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids changes absolutely nothing.
  • The ASSOCIATED PRESS reports that Colts DE Darrell Reid was arrested after refusing to leave a nightclub parking lot in Indianapolis early Sunday. The best part is his reason: “I don’t have to because I am a football player with the Indianapolis Colts.” I understand that Jim Sorgi uses that line all the time as well, but usually it’s when security tries to kick off him the sidelines of Colts games.
  • NESW VIDEO found this gem on YouTube: A scintillating video Kevin Garnett put together for a Web site called AthetesDirect.com back in 2001 when he was playing for the Timberwolves. The topic? How he gets dressed. And yet somehow AthetesDirect.com is now defunct.

  • What do you get when you combine billiards, poker and mixed martial arts? Either a typical Saturday night at my house, or one of the goofiest ideas for a reality TV show ever, as tracked down by DEUCE OF DAVENPORT.
  • If can’t stalk the one you love, stalk the one you’re with (or at least near): the INDIANA STATESMAN says that a creep who served five years in prison for stalking Olympian Sheila Taormina has been arrested after apparently harassing an Indiana State female athlete and violating a restraining order to not step foot on campus. Because they really thought that was going to work?
  • KVIA-TV has video of a brawl after a soccer game in Juarez, Mexico that left 19 people arrested and several people injured. If you know anything about Juarez lately, you won’t be shocked to know that this was the least violent thing that happened in Juarez yesterday.
  • ESPN.COM reports that Oklahoma basketball player Ray Willis has been suspended indefinitely after being arrested on a DUI charge over the weekend.

Which game are you most interested in watching this week?

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Speed Read: Ex-Buc Rice Rips “Scumbag” Gruden

I’m making a list of people who still like former Buccaneers head coach Jon Gruden. John Daly is one, since he needs all the friends he can get these days. And I’m sure his mother is still very proud of him. After that…it gets pretty dicey. Almost immediately after he was fired by Tampa Bay, his former players lined up to take shots at him. Michael Clayton labeled Gruden “a turncoat while Jeff Garcia said the team needed a change” from Gruden.

The Punchable Faces of Jon Gruden

Now you can add Simeon Rice to the list of players lining up to rip Gruden, and the former Bucs Pro Bowler isn’t pulling any punches. In an interview with Pat Kirwan and Tim Ryan on Sirius NFL Radio, Rice went off on Gruden, running down a laundry list of players who hate him, and shredding his character like a rat going through an old stack of magazines in your garage:

Simeon Rice

“How I feel personally? I could tell you that, too. I think he’s a scumbag,” Rice said. “I think he’s a scumbag personally. That’s when he’s telling you one thing and… You know what he told me? ‘Simeon you’ll be here in the next five years.’ I got injured [and] this man’s never said one word to me. I won a Super Bowl for you. I got 13 sacks, 12, 15 every year for you. I balled. I got injured [and] you let me go like it was nothing.”

Now, to be fair, Rice had a grand total of one sack in 2007 after being cut by the Buccaneers and didn’t play last year, so it’s not like Rice showed Gruden what a horrible mistake he made by letting him go. But judging by the stories that keep coming out, releasing an injured player who helped you win a Super Bowl without saying a word to him seems to be right up his alley.

Hmm, let’s see: a “offensive genius” head coach whose teams always have lousy defenses; who is about as likable as genital warts and has the personal skills of Jeff Conaway; and who inspires hatred and disloyalty from former and current players. I’m starting to think that Notre Dame could have stuffed Gruden into a sumo suit and swapped him for Charlie Weis, and no one would have known the difference.

But Jon, if it makes you feel any better, it wasn’t just the fact that your players hate you that got you fired. Apparently the fans all hate you as well. So that’s nice.

Here’s more stories that happened while you were wondering what the South Korean version of “The O’Reilly Factor” must be like (chainsaws optional).

  • Oops, they did it again: the Lakers managed to overlook the Charlotte Bobcats and fall 117-110 in double OT. All this with the Bobcats’ best player - Gerald Wallace - missing the overtimes with an injury. The LOS ANGELES TIMES has the gory details of the Lakers’ fifth loss to the Bobcats in their last six meetings. (Really, and these are the title favorites?)
  • Emeka Okafor battles Andrew Bynum

  • FOOD COURT LUNCH examines “The Hansbrough Effect,” where college basketball analysts laud the hard work and gritty determination of big, white stiffs who will be sure to flop in the NBA. Which gives me another chance to type Kevin Pittsnogle.
  • The BOSTON GLOBE reports that Tom Brady’s rehab is on schedule, and he is on track to start the Patriots 2009 season opener. Which means: get ready for nine months of the Matt Cassel Trade Watch.
  • Remember when the brother of Providence guard Jeff Xavier rushed the court and confronted a referee? ESPN.COM reports that Jonathan Xavier is being held without bail for violating his probation from a 2005 drug conviction. I’m shocked that he’d make a bad decision. In case you didn’t see it, here’s the video of the bizarre on-court incident:

  • Who loves chicken? New Orleans Hornets fans love chicken, especially when they get it for free if the Hornets score 100 points. NOLA.COM has the exciting blow-by-blow as the team sits on 99 with just seconds to go.
  • TRAVELIN’ LIGHT says that a resort in Aruba is offering vacation packages for fantasy baseball and football drafts. Sure, the resort might have beautiful beaches, world-class food and exciting casinos, but does it have a Bubble Hockey machine and old NES system with RBI Baseball like my garage? I didn’t think so.
  • If you think you’ve had a rough life, think about Arizona Cardinals lineman Darnell Dockett, who found his mother murdered, execution style, when he was 13. And then his father died of cancer four months later. The GANNETT NEWS SERVICE has a moving piece on his relationship with his uncle, who helped him get his life back on track.
  • Meanwhile, Dockett’s fellow Florida State alum Peter Warrick is pretty far removed from the Super Bowl: The BLOOMINGTON-NORMAL PANTAGRAPH reports that he’s signed a contract with the Bloomington Extreme of the minor-league Indoor Football League. Just in case he is curious, the nearest Dillard’s in 100 miles away in Moline.
  • The Braves need a power hitter to provide protection for Chipper Jones and Brian McCann. Enter Jeff Francoeur and .239 batting average. MLB.COM says that Jones, for one, is thrilled to have “Frenchy” back. Hey, if your other option is Andruw Jones, anything looks good.
  • Ever nearly kill yourself trying to get that stuck bag of chips dislodged from a vending machine? Me too! Now there’s a video game for you: Adult Swim’s Ultimate Vending Machine Challenge.

Which current NFL coach is most likely to have players lining up to rip him when he leaves?

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Speed Read: NCAA Bans Recruiting 8th Graders

Finally realizing that we might be headed for a day when future hoops stars are recruited out of the womb, the NCAA has passed legislation banning contact by coaches with players who have not yet reached high school. That means no more offering 13-year-olds a full ride, there, Billy Gillispie.

Billy Gillispie

(”Noooooooo! I already had the class of 2019 signed!”)

It also means that this Mr. Show skit, which was starting to look less far-fetched over time, won’t eventually reflect reality:

The WASHINGTON POST explains the new legislation:

Over the past few years, some college coaches have looked to gain recruiting advantages by working at basketball camps comprising elite seventh- and eighth-graders because there was no NCAA rule prohibiting it. But the NCAA will now designate boys’ basketball players as “prospects” beginning in the seventh grade, which will prevent college coaches from working at such camps.

This is bad news for seventh and eighth graders, who now have to do things like, you know, go to school and learn rather than worry about their college hoops prospects all the time.

Speaking of hoops, Luol Deng woke from his season-long slumber and led the Bulls to a 102-93 upset victory over the Cavs in Chicago, where it was approximately -293° last night. LeBron James made only eight of 28 shots and turned it over eight times for what he termed his worst performance of the season — but he also said he was sick.

Luol Deng

In New Jersey, yet another rookie had a breakout performance for the Trail Blazers, as Jerryd Bayless scored a career-high 23 in Portland’s 105-99 win over the Nets. Meanwhile, the Nets owners (remember when they were going to move to Brooklyn?) are exploring playing preseason games next year at the Devils’ new arena in Newark, but want the NHL franchise to guarantee regular-season-sized crowds to do it. How are the Devils responsible for that?

It’s official. The Dodgers paid Andruw Jones $12 million for each home run he hit, and he’s not going to be hitting any more in their uniform. After attempting to trade him, L.A. finally released Andruw after one insanely horrible season, and Jones agreed to accept the $22 million he’s owed over a period of six years. Which means your team will still be paying for him in 2014, Dodger fans. Two years ago, Jones looked like he had a chance to hit 700 home runs. Now, it looks like he might not get 700 more at-bats in his career.

So, as you read here yesterday, Mark Cuban confronted J.R. Smith on the court for allegedly throwing an elbow at a Dallas player during the Mavs-Nuggets game on Tuesday night. Cubes reported the incident to the league office and even sent back a pair of signed shoes Smith sent him as a peace offering, saying Smith needed to sell them to help pay for the fine that was coming.

Mark Cuban thinks he's awesome

Well, it appears the joke is on Cuban. The NBA has cleared Smith of any wrongdoing, and — and this is great — are now pursuing possible punishment against Cuban for going on the court. George Karl wasn’t amused with the owner’s antics on Tuesday:

“If you want to interact, interact with the league office and interact with your own players, but don’t mess with my players. There’s no room for it.

“If this was a normal fan, he would have been banned from the building and maybe not ever let back in the game,” Karl said. “When the game starts, he is a fan. After the game, he’s an owner, but during the game, he’s a fan.”

Ouch.

Mark Cuban mad

Barry Melrose told people he wanted the Lightning to lose every game this season after he got fired. Former Leafs coach Paul Maurice has upped the ante, saying he’d like to see his old club not win a game for 10 years, according to the TORONTO STAR.

• THE JOY OF SOX is giddy that the Red Sox have extended Kevin Youkilis‘ contract for a very reasonable price of $40 million for four years. It’s four more years of this, anyway:

Kevin Youkilis

• The Rangers have asked their Gold Glove-winning shortstop Michael Young to move to third base to make way for a rookie named Elvis. Young was not happy with this request, but now tells MLB.COM it’s all been worked out.

• There’s dismal, and then there’s Northwestern blowing a 14-point second-half lead at home to Purdue and losing its 1,452,918th Big 10 game of all time.

• Baseball finally fixed the rules to definitively say that a postseason game must be played to its completion regardless of weather, and also eliminated the coin flip as the way to determine who would host a one-game playoff. They’re doing this crazy thing now where the team that won the season series would host the game, rather than something completely freaking random (the Twins would’ve hosted the playoff against the White Sox last year, had this whole “merit” approach been in effect).

• PETA is doing this thing where they’re trying to get fish renamed “sea kittens” to make them seem cuter or something. Anyway, WPBF-TV says they sent a letter to Palm Beach Atlantic University asking the school to change its nickname from Sailfish to Sea Kittens. Which begs this question: Is Palm Beach Atlantic University the most high-profile school you can go after, PETA? I think they play in Division XIV.

PBAU Sailfish

• 90-year-old Atlanta sportswriter Furman Bisher somehow has managed to put together a blog. Bisher is so old that he once interviewed Shoeless Joe Jackson about the Black Sox scandal. At the bottom of this entry he pushes the bounds of taste about the new stampede of Japanese media coming to cover pitcher Kenshin Kawakami (ah, so? Really, Furman?)

• Yankees blogger Todd Drew passed away on Tuesday at the age of 41. Drew was a frequent contributor to BRONX BANTER, which memorialized him yesterday. Drew had his own blog called YANKEES FOR JUSTICE.

Drew Rosenhaus tells the DALLAS MORNING NEWS that he’s certain that Terrell Owens will still be with the Cowboys next year. And we all know what a great source Rosenhaus is about all things T.O.

• You think the A-Rod deal is out of control? EPL TALK is reporting that Manchester City (that’s soccer) is offering to pay £243 million (that’s more than $362 million) to acquire Brazilian midfielder Kaka from the Italian league’s AC Milan.

Should Mark Cuban be allowed to go on the court during games and interact with players?

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Andruw Jones Deferring $12M To Get Out Of L.A.

When Andruw Jones was entering his final season in Atlanta, he was a sure fire megadeal superstar, a perennial Golden Glove winner and a guy who some analysts legitimately felt was the best center fielder in the game. Now? He’s having to defer $12 million of the final year of his contract just to get to a team where he might get on the field.

andruw jones manny ramirez

According to SPORTS ILLUSTRATED’s Jon Heyman, Jones has agreed to defer $12 million of the $20 million owed to him by the Dodgers for his second and final season with the club. The move was made under the guidance of super agent/cash-happy scumbag (depending on how you look at him) Scott Boras and is likely to help two of his clients land in their desired locations, with the Dodgers now able to offer Manny Ramirez a significant deal and Jones finally a tradeable commodity for some team to claim off the scrap heap.

Read more…

Speed Read: Mizzou Guards Alamo From NWicans

Every year we celebrate the bloody massacre of Texans at the hand of the Mexican army, and this was before soccer was popular. The Alamo Bowl, then, is the college game in which a team is crowned new saviors of the Republic of Texas, and for one year they are enshrined within the walls of the Alamo to protect from any uprising. And you goofy playoff advocates thought the bowl system was irrelevant.

Alamo Bowl

Missouri will be this year’s defenders, since they pushed Northwestern past the limit in a 30-23 overtime victory. Chase Daniel will be Davy Crockett, the heroic senior leader of the team, who kept his Tigers in the game despite the NWern Wildcats regaining the lead three times. Daniel’s TD pass to Jeremy Maclin in overtime was the difference. (Maclin can be the William B. Travis in this grand metaphor). The highly accurate kicker, Jeff Wolfert, blew a 44-yard field goal at the end of regulation that would have won the game, but his team came out victorious nonetheless, so he can be Sam Houston. I’d assign some roles to the Northwestern football team but I’m running out of Battle of the Alamo parallels.

Andre Smith

Andre Smith is a big deal, for he is the nation’s best lineman and will probably be a top three pick in the NFL Draft. He allowed one sack all season, and is probably the MVP of the Alabama offense. He is not a quarterback like Tebow, Bradford, Colt, Harrell or Your Favorite Quarterback. But he will not play in the Sugar Bowl due to a suspension, and ESPN.COM’s Chris Low has some info that says he talked to an agent, which is a big NCAA no-no. Obviously, this is a large story, since it’s on ESPN and making the rounds on the wires … but just imagine how much bigger of a deal the media, fans, bloggers, and bettors would make of it had John Parker Wilson been the one suspended. But it’s just a stupid lineman. There are, like, seven of those or something on the field at once. No big deal. The real question is: Will the beef stew Terrelle Pryor ate today affect his Fiesta Bowl passer rating?

Computer that will determine price of Giants tickets

This might be the computer that will determine the price of Giants tickets next year. About 2,000 seats will fall under this automated pricing formula, which factors in things like weather, popularity of opposing team, and whether or not Barry Zito will be pitching. This may potentially revolutionize the way sporting event ticket prices are gouged set, and finally gives the world a chance to dust off the ol’ quadratic formula to see how much the weekend will cost you.

The sum of the square roots of the following stories equals:

Super Snova

  • AUTOPIA takes a look at souped-up snowmobiles from around the world. I see nothing wrong with turning a Chevy Nova into what looks like a tank.
  • The Red Sox want Ramirez back! I’m dead serious!
  • The Bucs go to 9-3, then Monte Kiffin says he’ll leave at the end of the year with son Lane to the U. of Tennessee, and then they lose four straight and are out of the playoffs. The ST. PETERSBURG TIMES talks with Kiffin who admits it may not have been the right thing to announce his resignation when he did.
  • IN GAME NOW says Derek Jeter is looking for a house in Los Angeles. Expect the Yankees to offer the Dodgers a 10-year, $453 million contract.
  • The AP is reporting Clippers basketballperson Ricky Davis will be suspended five games for violating the league’s drug policy. Easy on the Sudafed, bro.
  • The Mets have made some good acquisitions this offseason. They’re due for a rumor about an Andruw Jones-type tra… hey, lookit that!
  • A fun find by SEATTLE WEEKLY regarding just how much Pat Riley thinks about the case sensitivity of his text messages to Dwyane Wade.
  • You know how people older than you constantly remind you how tough they had it? Well, Oregon football back in the day had to endure private jets and lobster dinners, and Willie Glasper will be the last OU player who can claim that. Expect 2025’s Ducks team to bitch about the 15 miles of snow they had to play through.
  • NEWSDAY says the Jets will be coached either by Bill Cowher or by Marty Schottenheimer, depending on whose prediction you believe. Using the quadratic formula, this means Rod Marinelli will be rumored to be the next Browns coach.
  • And finally, Bernie Williams was quietly trying to make a career comeback for the World Baseball Classic, and his comeback could end on as quiet a whimper as it began, now that LOHUD YANKEES BLOG says he’s got a serious quad injury while playing winter ball in Puerto Rico. Carumba.

Who will be the first to get another NFL head coaching job?

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Man Arrested For Posing As A Member of Dodgers

A man was arrested for allegedly stealing a jersey and sneaking on to the field at Dodger Stadium posed as a member of the team.

Andruw Jones Fat

No that man was not named Andruw Jones. Despite what his stats and gut may tell you he actually is a major league baseball player and currently a member of the Dodgers, not a guy who stole a jersey and walked on to the field.

According to the ASSOCIATED PRESS, the poser is Ronald Higgins, a 47 year-old man who was arrested Wednesday morning “after a security guard found him walking on the field in a Dodgers uniform and holding a glove with two balls. Read more…

Rockies Manager Hurdle: “I just hate the Dodgers”

Clint Hurdle is all that is wrong with this country. The Rockies manager told the DENVER POST that he abhors the Dodgers, which is as un-American as hating the Dallas Cowboys, or Peter King speaking ill of Brett Favre.

Clint Hurdle

I thought that despising the Los Angeles baseball team that actually plays in LA was a right reserved for Jeff Kent (and, eventually, Manny Ramirez, because that’s his shtick), but apparently anybody can do it.

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Packers Pick Up Dubya’s Former Press Secretary

• The Packers have hired George W. Bush’s former press secretary Ari Fleischer as a consultant.

Ari Fleischer Brett Favre

Maybe Brett Favre should vacate for the Vikings ASAP.

Steve Spurrier is bedeviled that he can’t rank Duke #25 anymore.

Charles Barkley hits the ring to punch away the pounds.

• Will Manny Ramirez cut his hair? Joe Torre & T.J. Simers make a bet.

• Longtime Braves announcer Skip Caray sadly passed away Sunday night.

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Heavy News: Andruw Jones Soon Sent to Minors?

The Dodgers might be considering that would have been unfathomable before the start of the season: sending Andruw Jones down to the minor leagues. Tony Jackson of the L.A. DAILY NEWS writes that Joe Torre and Jones’ agent Scott Boras had a lengthy conversation on Sunday morning, which Jackson speculated revolved around sending Jones down to the minors to “get his swing right.”

Andruw Jones Fat

When asked about it, Torre gave a “non-denial denial.” Getting Jones and his .161 batting average off of a major league roster & sending him down to the minors might seem like a good idea. But such a scenario is actually a horrible and possibly dangerous notion. Why?

In one word: Buffets.

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Blog-A-Rhythm: Bert Blyleven Loves To Pass Gas

• AARON GLEEMAN (by way of BIG LEAGUE STEW) gets wind of a vintage photo featuring Bert Blyleven letting out his secret joy:

Bert Blyleven loves to fart

Maybe Bert should get together with C.C. Sabathia.

• IPIKO via BOBCATS BASELINE drives up pics of the coolest car in Charlotte - a Bobcats-inspired Crown Victoria.

• CBS 4 in Denver finds Barack Obama taking on the press - in a game of pickup basketball.

• WITH LEATHER is getting sleeeeeepy, as a shotputter hopes to finally get gold through hypnosis.

Read more…