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You might know Dan Clark from his acting career in movies such as “Death Becomes Her” with Meryl Streep or “Equilibrium” with Christian Bale. But you probably know him better as Nitro, arguably the lead male Gladiator from the original “American Gladiators” show. He was athletic, good looking, seemingly smart and articulate: in short, women wanted him and men wanted to be him.
(Steroids, needle and sports bra not included)
But if we’ve learned anything about our “tell-all” society, it’s that successful and famous people have problems too, so it’s no surprise that Clark has his own memoir coming out. And the NEW YORK POST reports that Clark has a dirty (not-so) secret to confess: he was loaded on more steroids than the BALCO medicine cabinet while filming “American Gladiators.” It was so bad, that Clark eventually developed a condition called “gynecomastia.” In other words, he had man boobs.
From the mightiest dictator to the meekest foot soldier, everyone needs somebody to love. Even if that person is in a job that consists of wearing lots of tight spandex and knocking other people into water with pugel sticks.
The VENTURA COUNTY STAR has the fluffy love story of Beth Horn (better known as “Venom” from American Gladiators), her husband Bruce, and how the two cope with her larger-than-life persona.
If MMA is mainstream, why weren’t more media members at the fight?
• The Patriots’ cheerleading staff sure likes to hire ‘em young.
• If his football season fails, Jason Taylor is ready to start filming.
• Porn purveyors are not allowed to sponsor Kimbo Slice on CBS.
• Zinedine Zidane needs a better lock on his laptops.
• The Minnesota Twins try to pump up attendance by selling some seats at a gas-inspired discount.
Through Jeff Metcalfe’s blog at THE ARIZONA REPUBLIC, we find out about Breaux Greer, one of the new American Gladiators for this season. (Hopefully, he was hired to knock the Pinkberry out of Gina Carano’s hand and get her back in the gym to make weight.) This Louisiana native will go by the name of Hurricane. (Really? Not too soon?)
Unfortunately, this U.S. Olympic javelin star has been injured constantly throughout his career and is taking his last toss at Olympic glory at the end of the month in Olympic trials. Therefore, he has high hopes for his Gladiator career:
“I wasn’t put here to be a background character in somebody else’s movie. … It (American Gladiators) is brutal, it’s a brutal thing, but I enjoy it. I’m a contact guy. You can sit there and cry about it and sit in your chair and go train and be finicky about it. This is just my life. I’m a survivor. If I get hurt, I don’t care, dude. It’s all good. Everything will work out.”
When you put it like that and with those blond locks of yours, you come off less like the lead Gladiator and more like… well…
• ON 205th tells us that the American Gladiators winner used to be a dancer for the Blazers. They also tell us Monica Carlson’s measurements, for good measure.
• THE SONS OF STEVE GARVEY wonder what happened to SI’s photography, post-Rick Reilly. It makes sense when you read it.
• THE FANHOUSE notes that Matt Millen has been on the business end at the NFL Combine so far. Read more…
We must confess that after enduring the initial episode of “American Gladiators” a week ago, we didn’t have the strength to survive last night’s show.
(Glad Hag Gina Carrano)
But apparently though there are plenty of
Mike Huckabee voters folks who disagree with our assertation that the production is just plain bad television. Including the panel-roomed suits at NBC.
Variety reports today that “NBC has decided to order up another season of its ‘American Gladiators’ revival“. The show has “the highest ratings of any new series this season, scripted or unscripted. It averaged a 5.9/14 among adults 18-49, and 12 million viewers overall.”
We should give the show’s producers credit for truly understanding what the network television audience really wants these days: Contestants named “Spider Monkey” and gay porn stars as Gladiators.
Yes, we know, the new American Gladiators blew, but we did watch the show because our
drinking buddy friend Jeff Keller was one of the contestants. And bless his soul, he was behind the one and only entertaining segment of the show:
Sadly, Jeff lost to someone who called himself “Spider Monkey”, so he’s inside for awhile (we kid).
The funniest part of the show was when the painfully overscripted Hulk Hogan laid out the rules at the beginning, and revealed that the winning contestant of the first season would be a gladiator for the second season. While we seriously doubt there will be a second season, we’d do anything to see a “Spider Monkey” character on the show. Sure beats the lardass broads they brought in for this new edition. And “Malibu“:
(Where Have You Gone, Mike Adamle?)
STEROIDS + FUNCTIONING REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN = STAR! DEFAMER roots out the news that one of the new American Gladiators has a gay porn past:
NBC really lucked out on this one. The network somehow found someone who is a human chemistry set (in our opinion) while still somehow retaining fully functioning reproductive organs. Eureka!