Pal: Dale Jr.’s Drinking Has Him In “Death Spiral”

In case you hadn’t noticed, Dale Earnhardt Jr. hasn’t been very good at NASCAR recently. He hasn’t sucked, per se - really, it depends on your definition of the term - and he hasn’t been on a Ricky Bobby-esque tear of wrecking his car or anything like hat. But for someone carrying the most popular surname in the sport, Junior has been middling at best, coming in at 23rd as this NASCAR season winds down. Makes you wonder what the hell’s going on, right?

Dale Jr drinking with dudes
(We’re told those are methadone margaritas. EXCLUSIVE.)

Fortunately, our friends at the perennially Pulitzer-winning NATIONAL ENQUIRER have the scoop, and we fear it’s for the worst: Dale Jr. is pickling himself to death, one bottle at a time. Remember, if the Enquirer says it, it must be true somebody told it to them first!

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Test Positive For Cocaine? Blame It On The Booze

Cyclist Tom Boonen, whom you’ve probably never heard of before, has a bit of a cocaine problem. Or so he’s told, anyway; he can’t quite remember. That’s because for as substantial a problem as three positive tests for cocaine goes, it’s the method by which he got to that drug usage that’s the bigger problem: sweet mama booze!

Tom Boonen Cyclist
(He also appears to be a world champion crotchman, which is the only reason we could imagine why he’d be dressed like that.)

Yes, it appears that Boonen isn’t necessarily copping to knowingly using cocaine in the instances where he tested positive (only two of which broke cycling rules; the third came during the off-season, where it’s actually not illegal to test positive for the booger sugar). He is copping to getting so drunk he doesn’t remember what he did, then having cocaine in his system, so we can probably do the math on this one.

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Hugs: Please Release Us From Single Bracket Hell

As stated earlier this week, we only do one bracket per NCAA tournament. This year, we had Drake in the Final Four. Lovely.

Bob Huggins\

(Hugs might consider bookmarking this site)

So with Drake (and our Durham’s Dogs) out, we really don’t care much about who makes the Final Four. Or who wins (officially, we have Stanford). Now instead, we’ve made the decision to adopt a team. Actually, really a person, as our rooting interest for the rest of the tournament. Read more…

Beasley Now Opening For Carrot Top At The Luxor

Pity the poor MANHATTAN (KS) MERCURY (via FAN IQ), which takes Michael Beasley’s bait on his (brief) fake NBA timetable:

Carrot Top Michael Beasley

It’s that time of the year when teams are playing their final home games of the year. Whether the preps or collegiately, the occasion goes by the name of Senior Night. But might it also be the thanks-for-the-memories games for another pair of Wildcats? Read more…

Ex-MLBer, Tigers Announcer Had .48 BAC, 7 DUIs

Sad story out of Detroit today, as the DETROIT NEWS reports that former major league pitcher and Detroit Tigers announcer Lary Sorensen just registered his seventh DUI. He was discovered on Saturday nearly dead in his car by police officers on the side of a Detroit highway.

Larry Sorenson

Sorensen had a blood alchohol level of .48, which according to medical scientists, half the population could not survice.

We’ve covered his story in the past, and Sorensen has told the media before that he was trying to stay sober. Obviously that didn’t happen. It’s a miracle he isn’t dead by now. Or hasn’t killed anyone. It’s no laughing matter. All there is now for him is to go inside for a good, long time. The News reports that thanks to his relapse, he could be facing five years.