POP QUIZ: Suppose you and some friends are out in Berlin (Berlin!) late at night, and the bouncer won’t let you into the club of your choice on account of overcrowding in the place. Do you A: wait patiently, B: find a different bar to go to, or C: try to bribe the bouncer into looking the other way for a moment or two?
(It’s just A, B, or C, sir. You’ve got that look in your eye that says D, and that worries us.)
Oh, hmm, we see you’ve added a D bubble and filled that in. Let’s go back to the test booklet and… yes, you’ve written in your own answer in purple crayon, and it says “throw bottles at the doormen and start a war.” You just had to freelance the answer on a multiple choice quiz, didn’t you? Gentlemen, that’s obviously the incorrect answer, and not only do you get no points, but you get arrested and almost certainly suspended by the IAAF. Wow.
The Maryland Terrapins have overhauled their college football stadium for 2009. If I were a late night television host, I would have said that sentence, literally one person in the audience would have cheered for the mention of the Terps, and we’d get one of those funny, weird vibes in the room that makes other people laugh and then I can joke about one person liking Maryland. I guess what I’m saying is Maryland is marginally popular to the point of amusement.
(Architecture! Renovation! Improvement! Now the team will win more games for sure!)
But we’re getting off track already. Renovated stadium for Maryland, and like all new BCS-level stadia, it’s going to feature luxury suites. Good! And the luxury suites are going to have beer and wine. Better! And it’s going to be strictly limited!
Best! Bad news.
We’re not sure what the deal is, but it seems like every month or so, there’s one fan who decides to get cute with an escalator railing or something at a pro ball park. Predictably, disaster ensues.
(This is not the fan or incident in question… but it’s probably pretty close.)
And so it goes in Tampa, where one fan is “expected to survive” (always a good sign when the hospital’s saying “we think he’s not going to die,” right?) after taking a 20-foot plunge at a Rays game last night.
Okay, we need to say right off the bat that the above headline technically isn’t right, nor did we ever think it was right. Philadelphia fans at least have the common sense to stay in their own city to rain blows down on each other. But it’s been years since we’ve seen Russell Crowe foightin’ ’round the world, and we kind of miss it. Anyhoo.
(”‘Ey! I’m ‘ere with me friend Tugger, and we’re ready to foight!“)
Fans in Philadelphia have most justifiably earned a reputation for loutish behavior, a tradition that goes back for decades. But usually it’s directed at outsiders, like Santa Claus. “Go back to the North Pole, you fat [expletive deleted]!” But fighting each other? Well, that’s new. They’re… they’re evolving. Or devolving, one of the two. Watch the face-mashing after the break.