What to do with Nick Saban? The man is as gifted a coach as he is a recruiter, stocking rosters with elite athletes and instilling in them a defensive discipline that can only come from an innate fear of their life and livelihood if they don’t listen to him. And hey: it works.
(”This is where you all stop talking. I have armed guards to enforce this.”)
This probably isn’t mere coincidence, but he’s also one of the angriest men around - not just in college football, but on the face of the planet. It’s only too fitting that he coaches a team whose nickname is evocative of menstruation. He probably doesn’t have an office, but an underground lair. He kills, not for fun, but because he has to. And his next target? Why, the ruling body above him, the NCAA, of course.
Ever since Lane Kiffin arrived at Rocky Top, the Tennessee head honcho has been making his case as the kookiest coach in the SEC. (Ripping off recruits’ shirts, warning other recruits they’ll end up pumping gas for a living, that sort of thing.) And it seems Lane is well on his way to leap past the previous king of SEC lunacy, Nick Saban. (Comparing a loss to Louisiana-Monroe to 9/11 & Pearl Harbor, threatening recruits that he’ll turn them in to the NCAA, that sort of thing.)
But we should all know well enough that you can’t keep the Crimson Tide coach down for long. Sooner or later, Saban will do or say something silly once again to reclaim his crown as the SEC’s top screwball. And he doesn’t disappoint, as Nick knows who to blame for Alabama’s poor performance in last season’s Sugar Bowl:
There are a few things that you can be absolutely certain of without requiring constant reassurances: The Sun will rise in the East and set in the West; Gravity is keeping people in Australia from falling off the bottom of the Earth; And Alabama coach Nick Saban is a huge jerk. Whether it’s comparing a football loss to the Pearl Harbor attacks & 9-11, using a webcam to skirt NCAA rules, or just being a bald-faced lair, we hardly need more proof to know that Saban is pretty much morally reprehensible.
But if you do need more proof, here you go: DEEP SOUTH SPORTS reports that one of Ole Miss’ top recruits, offensive lineman Bobby Massie, was asked at a Rebels practice to give a good Nick Saban recruiting story. (Massie almost went to Tuscaloosa before choosing Oxford.) And boy, did he tell a whopper of a tale:
Admit it: You’re not quite the patriot you tell your parents you are. Sure, you’re registered and sometimes you watch CNN when they’re talking about politics, but you don’t reallycare about your right to vote, do you? Come on, don’t act like you’re the only one who votes for people with the funniest names and nobody else knows about it. And then there’s the write-in voting. Yes, writing in Jon Stewart is totally played out, but all in all, it’s just good, harmless fun, right?
(Oh, come on, really? This guy?)
Well, not at Alabama. The university just held its annual student elections, and among the litany of write-ins was star freshman wideout Julio Jones. That’s barely news; Hulk Hogan probably got a dozen votes for student president, after all. But as the TUSCALOOSA NEWS reports, this wasn’t just one or two votes for Jones - he garnered enough support to actually win a student senate seat.
So was this part of a plan by Jones to get elected via write-in? Um… no. Read more…
Workers of the world, unite!Roll Tide! All comrades Alabama students rejoice in the streets of Communist Leningrad Tuscaloosa, as the Red Army Crimson Tide is enjoying great success at home and abroad! But the Stalin Saban regime cannot succeed without the full support of a grateful nation! Are you loyal… or a traitorous deserter?!
You see, for all the success and rabid fan support as Alabama enjoys, apparently their student section has been less than perfect, and that just WILL … NOT … DO. It’s to the point where missing three games could result in banishment. We’re not kidding (very much). THE CRIMSON WHITE explains what dire consequences await the owners of unused tickets: Read more…
So, here’s what we know: Alex Rodriguez is hurt. Beyond that, we know nothing. From what I hear, he could be out for anywhere from an hour to seven years. What’s really going on is so elusive that A-Rod’s brother was being used as the definitive source on his injury for the first half of Thursday. One SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE writer is saying that the “mystery” surrounding the injury is reminiscent of Barry Bonds‘ knee troubles in 2005.
Now, instead of surgery that would keep him out for 10 weeks (which was the brother’s story), Brian Cashman is saying that the Yankees are planning on taking a “conservative approach” to the injury, which involves a bunch of rest and rehab with the hopes that surgery won’t be necessary. But how long do you go with that? Cashman admitted that the surgery would probably keep A-Rod out for four months. But if they try this rehab thing for another few weeks, then are stuck with the surgery, suddenly he’s looking at no earlier than mid-to-late August for a return. But, as we all know, if A-Rod’s going to miss four months, it’s much better for all involved that it’s the last four.
Dr. Louis Romeo, director of the Joint Replacement Center at Stony Brook University Medical Center, said the surgery to treat an ailment of A-Rod’s type - probably a procedure called a hip arthroscopy - is not the most predictable procedure.
“It’s controversial because the results are not as predictable as you’d like them to be,” said Romeo, who is not involved in the Yankees third baseman’s treatment. “A knee replacement or a hip replacement, you can give someone a 90 percent success rate. Hip arthroscopy, depending on the underlying pathology, may not have as high a success rate.”
(Yeah, I suppose you could go the Bernie Williams route, Alex)
(I’m taking advantage of any excuse to run these pictures of Bruce Pearl)
Sean Averymade his return to ice last night in the Rangers’ win over the Islanders. Fortunately, Mike Comrie was recently traded away from the Islanders so Avery didn’t have a chance to get it any Hilary Duff-related blasts. Avery was actually well-behaved, and it seems as if he may be content to fly under the radar for the rest of the year. Mostly, Avery’s just glad to be back in New York so he can go to the Project Runway finale.
“It’s depressing,” Suzuki told Japanese media on Friday. “After the game I got picked for a doping test — things are going from bad to worse.”
• Now that A-Rod may be out for a while, the Yankees need to find someone to play third base in the interim. Cody Ransom? Angel Berroa? The NEW YORK POST thinks the team might want to consider some outside options. Like Aaron Boone, apparently.
• A dad at the Iowa state 5th-grade girl’s basketball tournament set some sort of record when he got tossed from a game by the ref just 30 seconds into the game, according to the DES MOINES REGISTER. And yes, I have the same question you do: there’s a state tournament for 5th grade girls?
• Remember last year, when Drake was one of the best stories in college basketball and ended up with a 5 seed, but then was heartbroken on a buzzer beater by Western Kentucky? Yeah, they never quite got over that. They lost to Indiana State in the first round of the MVC tournament last night and are likely not headed to the postseason.
• Some good news from COLONIAL HOOPS: It looks like one of the greatest names in the NBA, Pops Mensah-Bonsu, is going to sign with Toronto for the rest of the year. Pops just wrapped up a 10-day contract with the Spurs, after playing for their D-league team most of the year.
• The NBA shot of the night comes from the Nuggets’ J.R. Smith, who nailed a (nearly) half-court shot at the end of the first half against Portland. Unfortunately, it was all a big hoax perpetrated by one of his friends.
• Need more proof that we’re in a recession? The MILWAUKEE JOURNAL-SENTINEL says Miller Park is implementing a $1 menu at their concession stands. You’re only going to get one peanut, but hey, it’s something.
• The University of Alabama has admitted to a number of NCAA violations…regarding the distribution of textbooks. So, athletes get too many textbooks and that’s a problem? Shouldn’t we be thrilled they’re bothering to get any? CBS SPORTSLINE has the horrifying details. Certainly, ‘Bama deserves the death penalty for this.
Former Alabama offensive lineman Andre Smith is a surefire Top 10 NFL pick. He’s big as a house (he checks in on the scale between 270 and 330 pounds), he’s fast and he has a heck of a mean streak. Unfortunately, he also has no discipline, which is why he’s finding himself back under the microscope of public attention at the NFL Scouting Combine, primarily because he’s gone missing from the event all together.
(How, exactly, can you lose sight of this mammal?)
According to SI.com’s Tony Pauline, Smith — a 270-pound man mountain — vanished into thin air this morning in Indianapolis at the NFL Combine. When NFL officials scrambled to find him, they were eventually informed that he had flown back to Atlanta to resume workouts, according to his agent, Alvins Keels. Fat chance that’s the real reason, though Smith is fat enough while out of shape to significantly improve those odds via his body mass alone.
