Could you have ever imagined Kim Jong Il coming up in a discussion about the race for the Heisman Trophy? (Hold up on Clausen for a second, let me finish …)

(Ingram claims he shot a 69 in 8th grade, still 35 shots shy of Kim)

Don Kausler Jr. of the BIRMINGHAM NEWS has a report today on Alabama running back Mark Ingram that reads like it was ripped straight from THE ONION:

How athletic is Alabama’s sophomore running back, who now is a front-runner for the Heisman Trophy?

He once bowled a 248.

And he once shot a 69 in golf.

As an eighth grader.

So, like the North Korean news agency that once reported Kim shot a round of -38, how did Kausler happen on this magnificient discovery and what exhaustive measures did he take to lock down the information as legitimate before publishing it in Alabama’s largest daily newspaper?

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Perhaps only Steve Spurrier could make an issue of this, but I’m glad he did. Because frankly he hasn’t been turning in his share of crazy lately. The South Carolina head coach — who takes a great sideline picture, by the way — is accusing Alabama of shenanigans during the Crimson Tide’s win over the Gamecocks on Saturday.

Spurrier said on Tuesday that, while reviewing game film, he noticed that the Alabama holder may have used a small piece of athletic tape to mark the spot for kicker Leigh Tiffin to attempt extra points and field goals. And as we all pull out our SEC rulebooks, we see that that’s cheating! Read more…

So one of Nick Saban’s star players is sitting in the Tuscaloosa County Jail, and if that was never the title of a Johnny Cash song, it certainly should have been. But here’s a twist that would have surprised even the Man in Black — not only is Alabama linebacker Courtney Upshaw locked in the hoosegow, but his girlfriend is as well. And guess who the young lady’s dad is supporting? Yep, the boyfriend.

Sometimes team loyalty is thicker than blood, especially in the SEC. Both Upshaw and his girlfriend, Kendall Gryzb, were arrested on Wednesday on the UA campus in what police say was a domestic violence dispute in the parking lot of the Student Recreation Center. Look, we could go on all day about who pulled whose hair and who slapped who in the face. Suffice it to say that there was plenty of both; and according to witnesses, Gryzb gave as good as she got. Read more…

No one who has seen “Animal House” as many times as I have can fail to appreciate the student hitting on the school administrator’s wife concept. “That’s funny, I have a husband named Dean Wormer. Still want to show me your cucumber?” It’s not funny, however, when one of the participants is under 18, and no one’s using vegetables. Not funny in the least.

And you can bet that few at the University of Alabama are laughing either. Here’s Rebecca Nichols, who unfortunately happened to be wearing her favorite T-shirt when cops arrested her for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Rebecca is the wife of a high school principal. And the minor in question was one of her husband’s students.

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Generally, when someone is under oath in a court of law and avows that she was given use of a credit card to steer her son to play for a specific college football team, that’s bad news bears. NCAA commences frowning, heads roll, etc.

But when that same person’s own lawyer backtracks on those statements in the middle of the trial and starts making unequivocal denials, well, it may be time to find some grains of salt and take them liberally. Case in point: Robin Lee Jones.

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What to do with Nick Saban? The man is as gifted a coach as he is a recruiter, stocking rosters with elite athletes and instilling in them a defensive discipline that can only come from an innate fear of their life and livelihood if they don’t listen to him. And hey: it works.

(”This is where you all stop talking. I have armed guards to enforce this.”)

This probably isn’t mere coincidence, but he’s also one of the angriest men around - not just in college football, but on the face of the planet. It’s only too fitting that he coaches a team whose nickname is evocative of menstruation. He probably doesn’t have an office, but an underground lair. He kills, not for fun, but because he has to. And his next target? Why, the ruling body above him, the NCAA, of course.

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• The Chicago Bears are concerned about Jay Cutler’s late-night carousing.

(”Aw, man - I need a drink!”)

• You would think home plate umpires deal with enough abuse without having to take a broken bat to the face.

• A couple of Texas Tech football players find relief along the stadium wall.

• Time to get Mist-y eyed, Seattle - here comes your lingerie football team!

• One-time one-legged sports sensation Carl Joseph finally gets some recognition, as he’s elected to the Florida High School Athletic Hall of Fame.

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Ever since Lane Kiffin arrived at Rocky Top, the Tennessee head honcho has been making his case as the kookiest coach in the SEC. (Ripping off recruits’ shirts, warning other recruits they’ll end up pumping gas for a living, that sort of thing.) And it seems Lane is well on his way to leap past the previous king of SEC lunacy, Nick Saban. (Comparing a loss to Louisiana-Monroe to 9/11 & Pearl Harbor, threatening recruits that he’ll turn them in to the NCAA, that sort of thing.)

But we should all know well enough that you can’t keep the Crimson Tide coach down for long. Sooner or later, Saban will do or say something silly once again to reclaim his crown as the SEC’s top screwball. And he doesn’t disappoint, as Nick knows who to blame for Alabama’s poor performance in last season’s Sugar Bowl:

The fans.

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• As Dan Patrick would say, you cannot stop Tiger Woods, you can only hope to contain him (or hope he hurts his knee again).

Thanks, Gatorade Lady! (Unfortunately, it’s not Maria Sharapova.)

• Oklahoma b-ball star Blake Griffin shows the world that he’s number 1.

• The Buffalo Bills use Twitter to tell everyone that Ralph Wilson isn’t dead. And it better really be the Bills on Twitter - otherwise someone’s gonna have a lawsuit on their hands.

• Former Hornets GM tries to explain why he traded away Kobe Bryant.

• St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel finds it stimulating to Google himself.

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There are a few things that you can be absolutely certain of without requiring constant reassurances: The Sun will rise in the East and set in the West; Gravity is keeping people in Australia from falling off the bottom of the Earth; And Alabama coach Nick Saban is a huge jerk. Whether it’s comparing a football loss to the Pearl Harbor attacks & 9-11, using a webcam to skirt NCAA rules, or just being a bald-faced lair, we hardly need more proof to know that Saban is pretty much morally reprehensible.

But if you do need more proof, here you go: DEEP SOUTH SPORTS reports that one of Ole Miss’ top recruits, offensive lineman Bobby Massie, was asked at a Rebels practice to give a good Nick Saban recruiting story. (Massie almost went to Tuscaloosa before choosing Oxford.) And boy, did he tell a whopper of a tale:

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