ABC’s “Modern Family” Includes (Fake) Gay Illini

ABC’s Modern Family is supposed to be funny (we haven’t seen it, because we’re bad at keeping up with any non-sports television - it’s a personality flaw), which is a welcome respite from the lineup of forgettable, canned-laughter-fest sitcoms that usually get trotted out every year by the networks. Brothers, we’re looking straight at you here.

Cameron and Mitchell Modern Family Gay Illini

One of the aspects of the family is that there’s a gay couple involved, since it’s the 21st century and it’s okay to say the “G” word on TV. The “G” word is “gay,” by the way. Not “grundle.” You still can’t say “grundle” on television. We digress. And as it turns out, this week’s episode let it slip that one of the gay characters, Cameron, was a member of the Illinois football team. Illini fans, we’re sure, are thrilled.

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USC vs. UW? More Like Jesus Christ vs. Al Bundy

After USC’s wild - and maybe undeserved - win over Ohio State, the Trojans shift their attention to the Washington Huskies, while the media still ooh and ahh over true freshman Matt Barkley, who might not even play this weekend. More on that in a second, though.

Chris Polk as Al Bundy
(When asked why Polk’s arms were Caucasian, Adobe Photoshop responded, “Shhhhh.”)

For the 21-point underdog Huskies (underhuskies? no, probably not, let’s scratch that one), though, the game’s all about finding some personal affront to build off of, even if it’s just about the dumbest thing in the world.  To that end, Washington tailback (and noted USC de-commit) Chris Polk is outraged - outraged, we say! - over the unforgivable slight of having been photoshopped by some bored USC fans. Wait, really?

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Lawrence Phillips Can’t Elude 10-Year Sentence

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what you’d call a “bust”. Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips, draft sixth overall back in 1996 by the St. Louis Rams, was sentenced to 10 years behind bars yesterday, putting the finishing touches on his ‘06 conviction for “seven felony counts of assault with a deadly weapon”. To translate in NonLawyerSpeak, that means “driving a car at a group of boys and young men after a pickup football game near the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, hitting three of them.”

Lawrence Phillips in court

To give you a refresher: Phillips, named the 2nd biggest draft bust of all-time behind Ryan Leaf in a recent ESPN article, ran over the boys after playing them in a pickup football game. Evidently he was upset because he lost to them, which is kind of hilarious in itself. Not so hilarious: giving the victims injuries they’ll have for the rest of their lives.

Oh well, at least he’s sorry.

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