A Pantsless Ben Patrick + Drunk ASU Coeds = Fun

Being suspended from the first four games of your NFL season — especially when your team has just been to the Super Bowl — would be very hard on some players. Arizona Cardinals tight end Ben Patrick seems to be taking it pretty well, however.

Ben Patrick & friends

Not only is Patrick taking some mandatory time off from football for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, he also took time off from a raucous game of beer pong at this apparent Arizona State campus party to, well, you can see it in the photo. Tight ends have must have great hands, after all. More photos following the jump.

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East Bound And Down: Saints’ Kicker Suspended

As we remember from our study of the Greatest Movies Ever Made, Bandit and the Snowman got $80,000 for hauling 400 cases of Coors from Texarkana, Texas, to the Southern Classic truck rodeo in Georgia in 28 hours. Saints kicker Garrett Hartley recently attempted a similar feat — a late night drive from Dallas to New Orleans in time to make a morning practice. But that stunt cost him $90,000.

Garrett Hartley

Where’s Big Enos Burdette when you need him? Having apparently lost his appeal, Hartley was suspended without pay for the first four games of the regular season for violating the NFL’s policy on performance enhancers, league officials announced today. The substance that turned up in his system? Adderall, which he says he took to stay awake for the drive.

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Mayfield Sues to be Allowed to Race Poorly Again

Jeremy Mayfield, victim of pollen and a short attention span for far too long, has demanded his day in court to get back on the track after his May 9 indefinite suspension for what has now been revealed to be an amphetamine.

Jeremy Mayfield

Mayfield continues to claim Adderall and Claritin-D conspired against him in his bloodstream to create a false positive while NASCAR continues to laugh at that explanation (but in a more professional manner).  The matter will be first adjudicated Wednesday.

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MLB Apparently Overrun With ADHD Sufferers

Baseball has always been a hyper-competitive sport, where athletes did whatever they could to grasp that competitive advantage over their opponents–and their potential replacements. Oh, and by “competitive advantage,” I mean “as many drugs as possible without being caught.” Mountains of drugs, people. To the point where getting on the field without the use of any amphetamines was called “playing naked.” This, we’re assuming, was much more palatable than the literal interpretation (unless it was Pete Rose (below), of course. Mrowr!).

Pete Rose Nightmare Fuel
(Flimsy, transparent excuse to post this picture, but what can you do? I got the ADD’s something fierce.)

But with the litany of PED-related crackdowns in recent years, players are starting to shift away from PED and toward ADD. Yes, we’re not making this up, they’re taking freaking Adderall. And don’t look now, but the World Anti-Doping Agency doesn’t whole-heartedly endorse this practice: Read more…