Our Long National Nightmare Is Over - Cubs Sold

It’s been for-freaking-ever in the offing, but the sale of the Chicago Cubs from the hilariously mismanaged hands of Sam Zell is complete.

Lou Piniella Drunk

While Zell struggled with finances during the entirety of his short tenure at the head of the Tribune Company, whose assets include ownership of the team, buyer Tom Ricketts and his family should prove to be able owners whose finances aren’t tied to the newspaper industry.

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Mark Sanchez Turns on the Sex Jets for GQ Shoot

• New Jets QB Mark Sanchez struts his stuff in a new photoshoot for GQ:

Mark Sanchez GQ

• Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is hoping that Formula One star Lewis Hamilton will soon be driving her to the wedding chapel.

• Nice to see the 1962 Mets show up at Dodger Stadium Monday night.

Michael Strahan is all set to fill in the gap of Fox sitcom programming.

• Vancouver’s sex workers are getting some tips on how to deal with the upcoming Olympic media onslaught.

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Cubs Owner Asking Famous Chicagoans For Help

In a sales process that should wrap up right around the time baseball has evolved into Blernsball, TD Ameritrade scion Tom Ricketts continues to drag out the purchase of the Chicago Cubs to extract more concessions from Sam Zell and WGN on advertising cash and to look for more $25-50 million loans from the local rich.

Jeremy Piven Chicago Cubs

(Guess who feels left out?)

Of course, as we mentioned last month, those loans have been gussied up in the form of stakes in the Chicago Cubs that you have to give back in 15 years when Ricketts pays back the loan with slim interest.  It’s now known that he’s schmoozed famous Chicagoans Bill Murray, Jim Belushi, and John Cusack to buy in. Frankly, it’s difficult to understand a world where Jim Belushi has over $25 million in net worth.

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Want to Impress People? Borrow Part of the Cubs!

Hey, skinny! Your portfolio is showing! Your pathetic $25-50 million in complicated financial transactions or ferreted away in Caribbean locales to avoid taxes doesn’t impress the women at North Avenue Beach in Chicago. They can’t see your rippling six-pack of bonds because of the Bonds-like six pack on the fellows around you.

Don’t you worry, though; Tom Ricketts can make you a new man, too, for fifteen years! The winner of the Chicago Cubs sweepstakes can’t quite bear the thought of 10% (or worse) interest on loans required to buy the team, so he’s reaching out to you to invest in the team for fifteen years.

John Henry, Linda Pizzuti, and Charles Atlas

(Sorry, Charles Atlas; ladies love cool John Henry)

You get to say you’re an owner, secure front row seats at Wrigley, claim face time with players who don’t know you from Don Rickles, and gather with other rich people who fall for the same gag share in the wealth of Cubs ownership to chat about the direction of the team.

You don’t get a vote, of course. You also have to give your ownership slice back after fifteen years and make zero money on the increased value of the team. Frankly, you’re an investment tourist gambling that the economy will blow through 2024. But rich socialite women go for your type; just ask Red Sox principal owner John Henry’s fiancée!

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