Speed Read: Cabrera To Be Nicorette’s New Angel

You may have noticed that during his final round conquest at the Masters, Angel Cabrera somehow wasn’t smoking his customary cigarette. No, it’s not because packs are going for upwards of $10 in New York City. It’s because after his mid-round puff break at the 2007 U.S. Open, Cabrera felt a little self-conscious about how the public might think that he was “out of shape.” As if the fact that he’s a Santa Claus-like obese Argentine who walks like a duck and sweats profusely wouldn’t give that away, the cigarettes were really pushing him over the edge.

angel cabrera green jacket

Well, Cabrera kicked the habit, and boy wouldn’t you notice that it made a big difference! Except that it didn’t at all. The man still wears golf duds that look like they were ripped out of a 1980s rehab center, he still waddles down the fairway and, as Adam pointed out last night, he still doesn’t speak English, despite camping out on the tour for two straight years.

In fact, when you really break it down, there’s only one thing that was different about Cabrera this weekend: He was chewing lots, and lots and lots of gum. Lots of it. And why, pray tell, would Cabrera be plowing through Seinfeldian cases of gum? One word: Nicorette.

nicorette gum

That’s right, Nicorette finally has a golden celebrity sponsor, and he’s even named Angel. If only he could speak English, he could give advice like “Every time I could nervous about two-putting, I popped some Nicorette!” Or, “Every time I shanked a shot into the trees, I remembered I was paired with Kenny Perry and that he’d definitely choke, so I took the time to enjoy a nicotine-laced chomp.”

Oh, if only Angel was fluent in English, then we’d really get to enjoy what he was thinking when he kept giving the thumbs up to the cameras after the green jacket ceremony. Something tells us he thought his jacket came with by swimsuit models. Maybe that was lost in translation, too.

lesslye perry

Of course, if Perry had held on to win, we wouldn’t have needed the swimsuit models in the first place, we just could have checked out his daughter. No, not the 14-year-old who was smushed into TV shots with her mother, but the Tennessee Titans cheerleader. Yes, Kenny Perry’s daughter, Lesslye, is a cheerleader for the Titans. And, as you might suspect, she’s fit to be a Titans cheerleader, even though her name is spelled in a way that makes you wonder if her parents spoke English any better than Cabrera.

lesslye perry titans page

So, what does Perry think about having a smoking hot daughter who is a professional cheerleader (when not serving as a CPA)?

“It’s pretty cool. I get free tickets to the games.”

Well, that’s a relief. Now if this guy had won the Masters, then we could really relate to him. And to Kentucky, which, in our case, might be a first.

masters boob grab

Of course, having Lesslye around makes some things irresistible. Like, say, squeezing things. Evidently, that’s even more pressing when you see a star like Tiger Woods make a big shot in person. Case in point: Check out this video from the 15th green at Augusta yesterday:

Now THAT is one grabby husband! Or partner. Or stranger who happened to be sitting behind a large-breasted woman who, after copious amounts of alcohol, was OK with a fat, drunk guy lean up against her and wrap his arm around her shoulder.

In fact, please let it be option No. 3. That would be beyond hilarious, particularly since it pushed CBS’s Masters coverage into the rarefied air of, well, precisely the kind of crap they show in the middle of the day during the week.

You know, for all the masturbatory pseudo-celebration about Cabrera’s second major title, there’s an equal case to be made that Tiger and Phil Mickelson choked a way a chance at supreme, all-time greatness. After all, that really was a horrendous playoff.

• In case you missed it on Saturday — and it lasted long enough that it started to feel like the furniture toward the midpoint of overtime — the NCAA Div. I hockey championship wasn’t just good, it was all-time great. Maybe even the greatest of all time.

• Speaking of hockey, the NHL playoff schedules came out last night, and there are at least four ridiculously intriguing first round matchups.

• The Cavs steamrolled the Celtics yesterday, a blowout that was largely overlooked because neither team’s playoff status or seeding was at stake, and Boston was playing without Kevin Garnett. Then Ray Allen decided he’d had about enough of Anderson Varejao, and suddenly, a playoff subplot was born.

• Your official ping pong ball leaders in the Blake Griffin sweepstakes: Sacramento.

• Coming soon to a Gilbert Arenas-led team near you: Another atrocious coach.

• Of course, the Wizards have hardly cornered the market on embarrassment in the nation’s capital: The Nationals can’t even sell out their season opener. Maybe it has something to do with how the team can’t win a game.

• We’re showing you this because it really doesn’t happen every day: The Pirates turned a triple play - for the first time since 1983.

• The Dodgers scored a run in the second inning yesterday even though the inning ended with a double play that stranded Andre Ethier at third base. Wait, what?

Would you buy gum from Angel Cabrera?

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Speed Read: Cubs Riding Hard Liquor Bandwagon

It wasn’t enough for Diageo, the makers of Smirnoff vodka, to invite the good folks of Phoenix out to see their hockey team free with the purchase of a bottle of booze.  Now they’re plastering their name across The World’s Largest Beer Garden in an attempt to make further inroads into the sports scene. That’s one way to pay for stadium upgrades if you won’t pony up to the governor.

Drunk Boozer Wrigley Field Cubs fans

Wrigley Field will now host the Captain Morgan Club (a restaurant) and the Smirnoff Patio and provide lovely mixed drinks to the fans that like to do a little drinking around 10 am at home and then ride the El to Addison and start downing car bombs around 11:30 am for a 1:20 pm start.

If Cubs fans aren’t careful, they might even put Toronto Blue Jays fans to shame.  That’s not easy to do, either; they can’t be stopped even if Daddy takes the alcohol away for a game.  (Not to mention the gratuitous nudity.)

Also gratuitous: the entire 2008-2009 NCAA women’s basketball season. The University of Connecticut Huskies won their 39th straight game by double-digits to complete their undefeated season and claim the nation’s crown.

Connecticut Huskies

Stanford University of Louisville kept this game competitive for about as long as you’ve been reading this article thus far, which still might be the best effort of the year for a UConn opponent.  This could be the point for a snide joke about going pro in a little something we call life, but these young women are already professional assassins.  Yikes.

We know the short-lived hole in the media filter (and the filter on media members themselves) caused by Twitter will soon close and leave us with more canned responses and layers of personal marketing protection.  As we speak, there are businesses springing up around the management of social spaces and new media integration and other phrases that dampen the soul.

For now, though, we live in truly awesome times.  Example: Bill Stewart (West Virginia’s head football coach and the antithesis of R-Rod) has been carrying on like a blessed fool on Twitter, including how he threw all the kickers out of a meeting or how he gets so fired up by Chubby Checker that he sprints into practice at 4:15 am.

West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart

Go like this, Coach Stewart.  Go like this all morning long.

And now the twisting hail of bullets that Carl Landry could heal up from in only three weeks

Francis Buxton

  • Stan Kasten, president of the Washington Nationals, went on Philly radio and told Phillies fans just how much they were welcome to fill those increasingly empty seats at Nationals Park, having apparently forgotten that D.C. sports fans survive the surprisingly harsh winters by burning compressed carbon logs of their own hate for other teams.  You’d think Stan Kasten had bigger fish to fry, frankly.  For example, Dmitri Young just called Stan Kasten’s house because he heard Kasten’s hosting a fish fry.
  • Your NBA Draft early departure update: Blake Griffin (as mentioned late yesterday), Jodie Meeks, and everyone in the city of Tucson.  They’re gonna need a bigger green room.
  • Senator Ted Kennedy threw out the first pitch at Fenway Park on Opening Day.  Senator Bill Frist saw this video and declared Kennedy alive and well, raising his batting average to .500.
  • The San Diego Padres have one chance at a title: Miss California Carrie Prejean (a former “Deal or No Deal” model) will be competing for the Miss USA title in Vegas on April 19th and she’s a former member of the Padres’ “Pad Squad”.  It’s good that she’s no longer with the organization or Becky Moores might demand weekend visitation rights.

Carrie Prejean, Miss California 2009

How many majors for Tiger Woods this year?

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