Special surprise for you, but only if you meet the following qualifications:
1) Internet down after ISP found your porn torrent with Pete Townshend?
2) Intercepted grandma’s $500 social security check?
3) Haven’t had a date since comedian Richard Lewis was relevant?
4) One of the 47 Phoenix Coyotes fans who are current with the I.R.S.?
5) Less than three outstanding warrants for your arrest? (Five if Canadian.)
6) Sheriff Joe Arpaio can ID you on piercings alone?
7) Have Cotton Fitzsimmons gallstones stored in your fridge?
Can hotwire breathalyzer ignition device w/out Leyritz’s assistance?
9) Know number of times Jerry Colangelo has undergone angioplasty?
10) Reported a Tiger Woods sighting to your local media?
If you fulfill the above criteria, go ahead and
blow your brains out peruse this unlawful solicitation offer: