• SPORTS ILLUSTRATED gives a toast the judge who has ordered Cedric Benson to install a breathalyzer in his car.

• The KANSAS CITY STAR can’t sleep, knowing that a Missouri basketball player has turned his team’s locker room into his bedroom.

• Jose Canseco and Pacman Jones aren’t the only ones suffering a housing crisis, as the MORTGAGE LENDER learns that former NBAer Vin Baker - who’s already lost a restaurant - is having his home foreclosed.

• RUSH & MOLLOY of the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS spot Tiger Woods hobbling around Vegas.

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• SHUTDOWN CORNER chows down on the revelation that Redskins TE Chris Cooley wouldn’t be where he is today (like marrying cheerleaders) if not for the fine fast food folks of McDonalds, Taco Bell, etc.

Wonder how the meals were on his honeymoon.

• WITH LEATHER drives up news that the North Las Vegas P.D. thinks Ben Roethlisberger is a big dummy.

• HUGGING HAROLD REYNOLDS zings up video of “Scrubs” star Zach Braff’s small-screen debut - as a horny student at ESPN’s Bristol University.

• LARRY BROWN SPORTS jabs up word that promising pugilist Jose Canseco wants to go a few rounds with Curt Schilling.

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Brandi Chastian’s bra brouhaha has nothing on this Brazilian soccer babe.

• Hot on the heels of Ashley Harkleroad’s announcement, we uncover the naked truth on how often athletes have bared all for Playboy.

• Upper Deck wants to condition us into buying these hair-filled cards. Next, special-edition SbB sets featuring freshly-shorn follicles from Brooks.

• How cool is Rick Sutcliffe? Not only can he kick cancer’s ass, but he’ll steal a base just to win Bill Murray some beer.

• Kobe explains how he jumps over snakes, while Mrs. Bryant jumps all over an ESPN writer.

• The Yankees want to pull the plug on an All-Star promotion that might feature David Ortiz. Well, we should’ve know there was Red Sox trouble at the Stadium had we seen the warning signs.

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• John Jagler of 620 WTMJ in Milwaukee puts out an APB for this Bears motorist in Wisconsin taking license with a playful poke at the Packers.

• Not to be outdone by literary giant Jose Canseco, PUBLISHERS WEEKLY prints out word that Larry Bird & Magic Johnson will be teaming up to write a book together about their long-time rivalry & friendship.

• So, what’s Avery Johnson been up to these days? Well, THE MERKIN SPORTS drives up video oft the ex-Mavs coach now selling cars.

• Sam Smith of HOOPS HYPE guzzles down the opinion that it’s alcohol and not marijuana that should be the biggest cause of the NBA’s concern.

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You probably know by now that Jose Canseco is trying to get people to take a swing at him in the ring. He’ll be fighting former NFLer Vai Sikahema on July 12 in Atlantic City.

(At least his Bluetooth hasn’t shrunk an unprecedented amount)

Bernard Fernandez of the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS, bless his heart, somehow churns out 925(!) words on the Canseco booking. Included in the piece: “Maybe even enough interest for Feldman and Canseco to launch a nationwide tour and draw attention from network-TV types who are always looking for reality programming.”

That came from the keyboard of Fernandez, but no doubt it was Canseco who made the off-the-record suggestion. So for that, we’ll forgive the author. But as you probably know, this is one more example of Canseco making up lies that the media continues to print - and give validity to. Read more…

With his house foreclosed on & his financial fortunes in ruins, Jose Canseco has no choice but to turn to that one last saving grace for the famous & downtrodden - celebrity boxing.

Dan Gross of the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS punches up news that the former MLB slugger-slash-offending author is looking for a fight. He & his promoter already have a date & place set - July 12 in Atlantic City. Now all they need is an opponent.

So, what’s it worth to someone willing to go a few rounds with Jose?

Read more…

Orange Julius Jones Soda - make it so, Seattle soft drink distributors!

• Arizona State is bedeviled by some snapshots of their