Reality used to be a friend of Ron Artest’s. However, it was long before the public met the kid from St. John’s a decade ago. For example, no one would be surprised to find out the new Gatorade/Tiger Woods cartoons seem like mini-documentaries to the Tru Warier because he has secretly considered himself the NBA’s Dr. Doolittle for years.
Therefore, we shouldn’t be shocked to find out reality’s been stiffing his calls again. After a questionable ejection in last night’s 111-98 Rockets loss to the Lakers to tie the series at one game apiece, Artest entertained the media with alternating moments of clarity speaking about the ejection and tales about that one time he was in Space Jam II as directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Apparently, this is the first time in Artest’s storied violent past that he remembered a pick-up game where tempers flared and one player snapped the leg off a nearby table and threw it with enough force to pierce the heart of another. By the way, Violet Palmer would only call a flagrant one on that.
One expert on keeping it real is Skip to My Lou himself, Rafer Alston. Eddie House’s yipping dog act (which is only the third-most irritating version on this Celtics squad) wormed its way under the skin of the boy from Queens, causing this rather understandable reaction:
The head slap will probably take the Orlando Magic’s only nominal point guard out of an upcoming game, a rather unappealing proposition after the 112-94 posterior-kicking administed by the Celtics last night. Ron Artest would like to know what reality would eject him for chattering with Kobe Bryant about his flailing elbows while a head smack only earns double techs.
He might start by asking the woman found in Dirk Nowitzki’s home Wednesday. Surely, one of the eight aliases she’s used in previous forgery convictions can speak to the matter. Also, maybe one of them is a lawyer that can explain why she was arrested in Nowitzki’s house for theft of service and probation violations.
(”No, man… I was just asking if you saw ‘House’ last night. Why so sensitive?”)
And maybe one of those aliases once killed a man with a table leg from 20 feet. Hey, it’s no stranger than knowing Ron Artest took the Houston Rockets to a plane of existence Tracy McGrady never could: the second round.
Your hail of bullet points today may seem a bit odd, but there’s a reason for that:
- Wayne Gretzky could make up to $22.5 million if the Coyotes sale goes through. Or, as Janet Jones calls it, “walking-around money in Vegas”.
- The Miami Heat and Dwyane Wade are talking extension, which would be going much faster except Wade can’t decide if he wants “Dwyane Wade Designer Gauze Night” or “Dwyane Wade Penicillin Night“.
- 2006 Olympic figure skating silver medalist Sasha Cohen will unretire for the 2010 Vancouver Games, pretty much saving the Games for NBC and Vancouver officials.
- Shaquille O’Neal has returned to his offseason MMA training, which he embraces for rewarding all the physicality of the NBA without any of the free throws.
- The New England Patriots are as thin as Gisele Bundchen at linebacker as their 2009 third-rounder will miss the season with a busted knee.
- Beach (or sand?) volleyball icon Holly McPeak has retired.
- The Dodgers have won their first 13 games at home, setting a modern MLB mark. Does MLB also keep track of the number of stabbings and robberies in the first 13 games at home?
- A Canuck would rather claim an STD than admit an injury.
- If this is the new Philly MLS team’s logo, it’s surprisingly classy. Do they want another shot at it, maybe with more teal?
- The hidden pain athletes take on that the public rarely sees as reported by the Pacers’ Mike Dunleavy, Jr: “I found myself watching the Sex and the City movie one night.” Now the painkiller addictions make sense.
- Scott Boras has meddled with one of his Royals prospect clients so much that the team has sent him home until it stops.