Michael Phelps Has Got His Speedos All In a Bunch

Listen you homos, if you don’t stop using those high-tech bodysuits to beat Our Shining Sir Lancelot of the Pool, Michael Phelps, he’s going pack his nose plugs and go home. Then watch what happens to swim meet attendance. (May look something like this).

Paul Biedermann, Michael Phelps

The controversy occurred at the world championships in Rome today, as Germany’s Paul Biedermann won the 200-meter freestyle — Phelps’ first major loss in four years. Well, if you don’t count Amanda Beard. The winner was wearing a “100 percent polyurethane Arena suit,” whatever that means; Phelps of course was wearing his usual cutoff jeans.

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I Am Invincible! I Can… Wait, Do You Feel A Draft?

There is no sports governing body more fussy than FINA when it comes to approving swimsuits. Among issues scrutinized by the watery overlords are buoyancy, “air trapping effects” and material thickness. Sadly, “may create open ass-flap like a pair of child’s footy pajamas” seems to have been overlooked. FINA, and more importantly the makers of the controversial Jaked J01 swimsuit, have some ’splainin’ to do.

Flavia Zoccari

Italian Olympic swimmer Flavia Zoccari, 22, was the unfortunate victim of swimsuit malfunction at the Mediterranean Games in Pescara, Italy, on Tuesday, as she was forced to sit out a championship race after her suit burst open in the rear. Of course my proposal — that all competitive swimmers be required to participate nude — is ignored on an annual basis. That would solve problems such as this, in which Zoccari was denied her big moment after all of that training. More photos (ahem) below.

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