Speed Read: Broncos Done Foolin’ with Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler has moved from snit fit to full-on martyrdom and Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen has chosen to accommodate the young quarterback and search for a trade partner, thus saving Broncos fans from competency at the quarterback position.

Jay Cutler Broncos

(Sign language is still communication, right?)

Chris Simms will stand as the only vaguely quarterback-like substance on the roster, pending trade returns, after Cutler and his agent would not even return text messages for ten days (or so claimed by the Broncos organization).

While this seems superficially about placating the petulant, it would be disastrous to employ the Marcel Marceau of quarterbacks this fall if he continues his silent ways. There would be no playcalling, no leadership, and no franchise-polishing post-game quotes. For that, the Broncos could just look up Joey Harrington.

Also abandoning ship: just about every recruit formerly headed to the University of Memphis. John Calipari’s move to the University of Kentucky has most recruits for next year’s class eying the escape clause in their letters of intent that lets them wiggle free if Calipari squirms out as well.

John Calipari

(The Sweet’n'Low is also coming with him to Lexington)

With Tyreke Evans already on his way to the NBA and everyone else on the team either graduating or looking for a new school, the University of Memphis basketball team may have to outfit the equipment manager, three physical education majors, and Marc Cohn himself.

(Sure, Cohn only has one move, but he closes out every night with it.)

And now join us for a hail of bullets on the day each year the entire Internet is racked with inaccuracies, tall tales, and outright lies (and actually admits it) as we remember how the pros handle this tomfoolery

Bemidji, MN Paul Bunyan and Babe

Ron Artest at a Britney Spears concert

Jay Cutler’s next home will be…

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Chicago Police Union Might Sabotage 2016 Oly Bid

“They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!” And if you don’t think Da Mayor is taking you seriously in contract negotiations and you still live in one of the few American cities where unions hold sway, you threaten to protest City Hall on the day the IOC’s evaluation team arrives.

Rod Blagojevich - Barack Obama - Richard Daley - Chicago 2016

That’s what the Fraternal Order of Police (Chicago Lodge 7) has announced and Mayor Richard Daley cannot stutter loudly enough that it’s “unfair” because “it has nothing to do with 2016″ and because “the Olympics is bigger than Mayor Daley”.

Oh, Mayor Daley… your power has been on the wane for the last few years, but there’s still nothing bigger than you in Chicago. You’re not foolin’ anyone dere.

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USOC Aims Gun at Foot & Hits Chicago 2016 Bid

When USOC CEO Jim Scherr was ousted in a palace coup earlier this month (we mean, resigned at an incredibly sensitive time to spend time with someone’s family or some such), there were concerns the new CEO (Stephanie Streeter) would not have enough experience or influence on the international stage to close the deal on the Chicago 2016 Olympic bid.

USOC gunning for Chicago 2016 bid

No worries, though; she’s proven more than competent to cause schisms, drama, and infighting just like other Olympic committees.  For example, she still reports to herself because she never quit her place as a USOC board member.

Also, she’s not sure if she’ll move from Wisconsin to Colorado to run the USOC because this is an organization that should totally be run by video conferencing at the moment. And that’s not to mention the growing weakness of the Chicago bid itself…

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