‘12 Olympics Biggest Terror Threat ‘Since WWII’?

Amidst all the excitement over Rio de Janeiro’s shiny new Summer Olympics and the upcoming Vancouver Winter Games, it’s easy to lose track of another upcoming Olympiad: the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Well, London would like to remind you that yes, the city and its Olympics still exist; moreover, everyone in that city could be dead before the closing ceremonies.

London Aquatics Center
(The new London Aquatics Center - or, as security’s calling it, TOTAL OSAMA BAIT.)

It’s a strange sentiment; after all, London beat out such heavyweights as Moscow, New York City, Madrid, and Paris for the right to host the games; thus, you’d think officials would be, I dunno, excited? Quite the opposite, though; as a matter of fact, British security minister Alan West (no, not him) seems to think they’re putting the country in grave danger. No, we’re not exaggerating; he’s now calling it “possibly the greatest security challenge the U.K. has faced since the Second World War.”

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British Unfairly Ban Hot Caddies On Some Courses

Oh, so now that you’re getting the Olympics, EYE CANDY CADDIES aren’t good enough for you, eh, England? Hot girls distributing woods and putters are now culturally offensive? Come on Britain, when did you get so high and mighty? I’ve seen your tabloids; you’re not fooling anyone.

Ebony Gilbert, Amy Graham

(If Ebony Gilbert and Amy Graham can’t caddy, how will they make a living?)

A service that provides attractive girls to act as caddies for a day of golf (and nothing else!) is being banned by at least one string of golf courses in England because the girls “are not appropriate for a game that has been selected as an Olympic sport.” Bollocks!

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Can Al Roker Save The London Olympic Games?

Note to all nations playing host to the Summer Olympics in coming years: You cannot change the weather. We simply don’t possess the technology … just ask the 12 polar bears clinging to same small ice floe near the North Pole. But, damn it, they’re the British. They have to try.

Al Roker

We all watched with amusement at the Beijing Olympics when the Chinese seeded rain clouds with silver iodide pellets, trying to move the rain and help clear the smog. The British, actually, have no real plans to try and move clouds. Instead, they’re searching the world for a team of crack meteorologists so that they can predict the weather. I see no way this can fail! Read more…

The Road To London 2012 Is Paved With … Skulls?

As we all learned in “Poltergeist,” you don’t build on a site that was once a sacred burial ground: Unpleasant things tend to happen. So that’s why I’m skipping the 2012 Summer Olympics. Bad omens abound.


Workers building a road southwest of London for the Olympic Games recently unearthed what you should never have to deal with unless you’re getting overtime: A burial pit containing 45 severed skulls. CSI Ipswich was not called however; it is believed to be an ancient mass war grave dating to Roman times. Read more…

Economy Forcing London Olympics to Go Cheap

The global financial crisis is threatening to tone down spending for the 2012 Olympic Games in London.  Existing venues may be used for some events in lieu of constructing new ones.  The event, which was already slated to be smaller in cost and physical size than the 2008 Beijing Games, is having trouble securing loans for the Olympic Village and is also scaling back its broadcast center.


(London’s 2012 Ghettolympic Games)


(London) Mayor Boris Johnson told a parliamentary committee yesterday that the Olympic Park will be “cozier” than that used for this year’s Beijing games. The Chinese government spent four times the amount the 2012 organizers are planning to spend on the games.

Some further ideas for a budget Olympics (after the jump): Read more…