Starbury to the Celts “Will Happen,” Says Source

Question time! The Boston Celtics, after starting the season 27-2 and drawing comparisons to the 72-10 Chicago Bulls from 1995-1996, have lost 3 of their last 4 on the road and are now tied with the Cavs and Lakers in the loss column, with 5 on the season. If the Celtics were to make an acquisition, which player in the NBA right now would be the absolute worst pickup they could make? Think. Think hard. Close your eyes and focus on one concept: epic failure. Who should the Celtics avoid like the plague wrapped in a smallpox blanket covered in barbed wire and the canine AIDS?

Marbury locker room
(Hello!)

Oh yes, Stephon Marbury. The most prodigious locker room cancer in recent memory. Yes, the Celtics should not even think about hiring him. They could put Zach Braff at the point (and raise some sweet cross-promotional dollars from ABC) and not do as much damage to the team. So naturally, according to Marc Stein at ESPN.COM, as soon as the Knicks buy out his ludicrously expensive contract, Starbury is headed to Boston:

[S]ources with knowledge of the situation told ESPN.com this week that Boston is Marbury’s preferred destination if he manages to become a free agent and that the Celtics are indeed hopeful of signing him. 

When asked specifically about the likelihood of Marbury joining the Celtics this season, the source predicted that “it will happen.”

This is such an insane idea that words can’t adequately express it. That’s never stopped us before, of course. Despite a skill set that once rivaled that of anyone in the NBA, Marbury’s personality and utter leadership vacuum has led to a swath of 28-win seasons wherever Hurricane Starbury has struck. Who cares if he’d be an 8th man in the rotation? If he dons the Celtic Green for even one game, Zombie Red Auerbach will rise up and enslave the human race. I am not kidding.

What would make this move especially reckless is that very tall, emotional fellow over there, Kevin Garnett. He and Marbury were teamed up in Minnesota about a decade ago. The two looked to be a promising nucleus to turn the then-nascent franchise into a perennial playoff contender. Then Garnett got a monster contract, Marbury didn’t, and Stephon forced a trade that was ultimately disastrous for both teams. Garnett would labor away in the wasteland of Minnesota on some truly bad teams, while Marbury tooled around the league, making every team he joined worse. Stein says their reunion would be no issue, but that cannot be true. Not after Marbury cocks off just once in the locker room (which, let’s be clear, is now KG’s locker room).

Boston, let there be no doubt. If you want Marbury down there with your team, we technically can’t stop you. Just make sure that he does it the exact same way he’s been doing with the Knicks: by buying a ticket and sitting by himself.