St. Louis Cards Prez Has Tons Of Illegitimate Kids?

By most standards, the 2009 All-Star Game in St. Louis was a success. City leaders were falling all over themselves in praise, because that’s what they’re supposed to do any time an event comes to town [it’s called being gracious. try it sometime.–ed].

Bill DeWitt stadium
(The Lothario himself, planning seating capacity for all his daughters.)

But above all else, the entire undertaking is simply a logistical nightmare, one that demands constant attention from multiple levels of suits. One of those suits, predictably, was Bill DeWitt, president of the St. Louis Cardinals. But his quote about the 3-day gala may have revealed a deep, dark secret about his personal life.

Here’s his remarkably careless quote to the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH from this morning (emphasis ours):

I feel like I was planning the weddings for 10 daughters all at once. I wasn’t used to that level of operational concern, where you have so many events and so many moving parts. When it’s over, you’re just so relieved that it went well.

WHAT?! 10 daughters? His bio says he’s “only” got four children (even so, isn’t that a little greedy by itself, Billy Boy?), so where are all these extra kids coming from?

Moreover, odds that 10 kids out 10 all end up daughters are less than 1-in-1000, so clearly, we’re probably dealing with at least a baker’s dozen of progeny out there. With how many women, sir? Is Bill DeWitt the Shawn Kemp of the front office? Dare we say, the Travis Henry?

Most disturbingly, the quote suggests that not only would he have 10 daughters, but that they’d all be getting married at the same time. So either he was rapidly birthing daughters with untold numbers of  unmarried women, or he’s spacing it out and marrying off his daughters while some are adults and others are children. We have some morals here at SbB, some lines that ought not be crossed, and SIR, giving children away to marriage is one of them! Harrumph!

We do know, however, that this situation is not without precedent, one that has its tentacles all the way in the deepest trenches of national security:

(By the way, our lawyers are forcing us at gunpoint to remind you that this article is satire. We’d hoped it was pretty obvious, but we suppose some things can’t be left to chance.)