Speed Read: Rising NHLer KO’d By Evil Golf Cart

Validating those of you out there who think the Ryder Cup is more dangerous than the NHL, it was reported on Tuesday night that St. Louis Blues defenseman Erik Johnson suffered what appears to be a season ending knee injury while golfing last week. The 20-year-old Johnson, one of the bright young defensive stars in the NHL, tore his ACL and MCL when his leg got caught between the gas pedal and brake pedal on his golf cart.  If I was Johnson, I probably would’ve  tried to pull a modified Monta Ellis and lie about it, and at least say I was wrestling a wild boar or something.

golf cart crash

And while we’re on the topic, the Yankees are going to have plenty of time for golf next week as they were finally put out of their misery last night when the Red Sox beat the Indians 5-4. The defending champs held the standard champagne-spewing party afterward, but likely did so as the wild card team. But hey, any celebration featuring Jonathan Papelbon acting like a tool is worthy in my book:

Jonathan Papelbon

The Yanks are missing the postseason for the first time since 1993. Hank Steinbrenner blames “socialist” revenue sharing. And the “divisional setup” for allowing inferior teams to attain playoff spots. Never mind that the last Yankee championship team won only 87 regular-season games.

Beneficiaries of much revenue sharing, the Rays lowered their magic number to two with a doubleheader sweep of the officially hapless Orioles. It was the first DH sweep in franchise history. Prince Fielder’s walk-off homer gave the Brewers a win and kept them within one game of the Mets, who beat the Cubs. The Mets, meanwhile, have decided that Omar Minaya is deserving of a four-year extension.

The Phillies phell and now lead the division by just a game and a half. The Dodgers bashed San Diego while the D-Backs were stymied in St. Louis, putting L.A.’s magic number at three. The Twins spanked the White Sox to pull within a game and a half in the AL Central.

And finally, your Lane Watch 2008 update: still employed. But don’t expect Petros Papadakis to be happy about that.

  • What’s the big secret to the 49ers’ 2-1 start? It might be this thing:

the glove

The creatively-named “Glove” is a newfangled contraption that is reportedly “billed as better than steroids without any ill effects.” It pulls blood into your palm and cools it down or something, I think. Whatever, this article from the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE should tell you all you need to know.

  • Q: Do you, Mr. Arenas, take this woman as your wife?  A: Hibachi! (thank you WASHINGTON POST)
  • Star USC cornerback Shareece Wright is out for up to six weeks, leaving the Trojans with just 37 future first-round draft picks when they invade Corvallis, Oregon on Thursday.

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled Speed Read to give you this week’s installment of Ridiculous CFL Touchdown Celebrations (thanks to LARRY BROWN SPORTS for the tip):

Oddly, this isn’t even the worst CFL celebration this month.

  • The DETROIT NEWS’ Terry Foster is told that Jon Kitna is not the Lions’ biggest problem — by Jon Kitna.

Let’s lay some blame:

Who is most responsible for the Yankees missing the playoffs this year?

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