Sox Fan Sues NY Fan For Assault, Bluetooth Mic

While it seems like there’s a case every week about a Red Sox fan and a Yankees fan engaging in fisticuffs, this one’s special. Because the other incidents were just two blasé drunken parties who couldn’t agree on David Ortiz and Derek Jeter’s level of awesomeness or suckage. But this case … this one has an added dimension that makes eHarmony green with envy. Note the defendant’s get-up:

Yankees fan, with bluetooth headset

(Leave your hands conveniently free so you can use both fists on the tender belly of a rival fan. Operators are standing by!)

Why, yes, that’s a bluetooth cell phone headset. Thanks for noticing.

THE SPRINGFIELD (MA) REPUBLICAN shares the details of the lawsuit, and it’s mildly interesting, as much as your typical Yanks-Sox three-game series normally is. But they really missed the heart of the story, where the provided photos indicate that Yankees lover Shawn Sellick perpetuated the douchebag image by talking with one of those goofy gizmos.

Now, I normally don’t invoke the “douchebag” pejorative to describe every person I hate, because the phrase really starts to lose meaning after the 86th person that day you call a “douchebag,” “douche,” or derivative thereof. (My favorite variant I’ve heard, ever? “Douche lagoon.”) In fact, the literal term, a bag of cleaning solvent for feminine naughty parts, really isn’t a horrible thing to be called. I, for one, would love to be associated with the cleaning and maintenance of that part of the woman’s anatomy, and will almost always volunteer to at least attempt such a thorough scrubbing.

But truthfully, those bluetooth headsets invoke the Douchebag exception. Nobody likes them. The cell phone already made it convenient enough to talk to anyone you want, anytime, anywhere. Was there really an impetus to make it more convenient to stick something in your ear and walk around all day with it when 1 percent of your life is actually spent talking into it?

So, indeed, the brawling Yankees fan wearing and using of the bluetooth cell phone headset is a classic example of burying the lede, when the lede should just be conveniently on the face at all times, ready to break it out when called upon.