Someone Needs To Put Helmets On Those Cocks

Steve Spurrier is known for being something less than a strict disciplinarian (See exhibits A, B, and C). Which is fine, in some respects. Players shouldn’t be scared of their coach, and a happy player is often a motivated player. But Steve, there’s a difference between being a little lax with the rules and ignoring basic safety regulations. (This message brought to you by Jackie Chan.)

Steve Spurrier

Freshman tailback Kenny Miles became the third South Carolina player in less than a year to be injured in a scooter crash, suffering bruises and abrasions. Tight end Nick Prochak (broken leg) and DE Clark Gaston (bruised knee and hip) went down in January in their own scooter mishaps. None of them were wearing helmets, BECAUSE SOUTH CAROLINIANS ARE REBELS. So what’s the Old Ball Coach going to do about this striking breach of common sense?

“We’re going to start enforcing our guys to wear helmets on those scooters. We’ve got to do that. We’ve had about three or four accidents,” Spurrier said Wednesday. “Kenny Miles got scuffed up pretty good, so he’s out for a couple weeks. But he’s OK. He got his face – looked liked he slid into second base on a paved road.”

Yeah, coach, maybe you should make sure your guys wear helmets, seeing as how it’s the law and everything. But if fines and jail time aren’t enough of a deterrent, Spurrier said bareheaded scooterers could be suspended for a whole game. That’s the tough-as-nails drill sergeant we used to know!

The bigger issue here, though, is that so many Gamecocks are riding scooters in the first place. What happened to the good old days, when the big men on campus zoomed about on riced-out crotch rockets? I’m sure Arkansas is going to be terrified tomorrow when their opponents roll up to the stadium in a fleet of Vespas.

Vespas

And, though it’s only tangentially related, I’m going to keep ramming this down your throat until it becomes the most-watched video ever. I give you, once again, chimp on a Segway.