Soccer Player Scores the Scariest Hat Trick of All

Every now and then, a headline surfaces that makes you put down your coffee, sit back in your chair, and quietly admire the skill and precision of the writer. (Off the top of our heads, our favorite is the infamous NEW YORK POST “Ike Beats Tina to Death” headline.) So when we saw this one by NEWS OF THE WORLD, we broke out into a slow applause:

Gabriel Agbonlahor Brat Trick

Of course, in order to understand the ramifications you need a little bit of background. The man above is Gabriel Agbonlahor, an English soccer player for Aston Villa in the Premier League. As highly-paid professional athletes are known to do, he had a thing for the ladies, having an affair with three separate women simultaneously.

Most hilarious of all, he knocked up all three of them.

While we have to point you in the direction of the NEWS OF THE WORLD story - honestly, it’s quite an amazing piece of investigative journalism, complete with full-on erotic photos of one of the “lucky” ladies - we also want to tip our hat to UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL for the following quote:

Agbonlahor, who sensationally scored an eight-minute hat trick on the first day of the season this year, apparently has scored a hat trick off of the pitch as well. Though, upon review, two were disallowed(forgive me).

Word has filtered through the always reliable yellow-journalism-fueled British press that Agbonlahor knocked up three women in a short amount of time. Two had abortions, and one came up with the jackpot of giving birth to Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr.

“Two were disallowed”? Ouch. But the best part is the headline at the site, calling Agbonlahor the “Shawn Kemp of the EPL”. Really, everyone is on their game in regards to reporting this scandalous story. There are no losers today. Kudos all around.