Soap Opera Spotlights Chilly Hockey Wives’ Lives

Starting June 19th, hockey fans finally have a way to salve their offseason withdrawal pain: a hockey-themed soap opera. Hockey widows can help their spouses reintegrate into society by sitting with them for ten episodes of SoapNet’s “MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives” (a working title, thankfully), delving deeply into the gripping drama of hockey players’ lives.

Willa Ford & Mike Modano

(Go on; we’re listening now, SoapNet)

The HOLLYWOOD REPORTER rewords the press release so:

“The hourlong series will focus on the shocking scandals of hockey players — who are living the life of instant wealth, excess and tabloid celebrity — with their girlfriends and wives joining the ride.”

Oh, heavens yes. Those tabloids are always harassing those poor hockey players with their paparazzi and their haranguing questions. However shall they handle their meteoric rise to stardom!

Why does Disney think women want to see a soap opera about women fastening themselves to athletic young men with suddenly increased amounts of discretionary income? What gave them that bright idea?

“When we talk to the viewers about what kind of women they really like on shows, we get two answers: One is the very strong, powerful woman who is either a mother or businesswoman who has made her mark in the world, and the other is the one who has this great, hot guy and lives an amazing life. This is very much a wish-fulfillment soap.”

Well, isn’t that… wildly depressing. That pretty much counts out any Janet Jones-ripped-from-the-headlines storylines and guarantees a Sean Avery character.

Still, why waste time on an original series that will collapse by Canada Day? Here’s how you boost your numbers wildly with women that have a mild-to-serious interest in hockey: point a camera at Sidney Crosby, turn it on, and walk away. Anything else is just trying too hard.