There are, at its latest count, 439 pages of NCAA Division I compliance regulations. And sure, with so many coaches looking to circumvent creatively comply with those rules, it makes sense that the expansion is inevitable; every time a coach gets an insane idea to entice a recruit to campus, a rule’s got to be put into place to shut that door. And those doors stretch as far as the imagination.
(WARNING TO COLLEGE ATHLETES: Even looking at this picture will make you ineligible. Our sincerest apologies, especially for putting the warning after the picture. Whoops.)
At the same time, though, it’s awfully hard to make the case that every single one of those rules is necessary; after all, while nobody wants to see large sums of money funneled to players’ families or anything, there are some regulations that just boggle the imagination.
For example, George Mason (remember them?) basketball coach Jim Larranaga just tweeted this last night:
Compliance meetings begin tmw for the new year. New NCAA rule allows us to provide players bagels but no cream cheese or butter. Love it!
There is nothing I like better than a dry bagel after a hard work out. LOL
We thought, “what the hell, seriously?!” We knew that South Carolina had gotten in trouble for serving bagels, but they’re drawing cream cheese distinctions? This has to be a distortion of the truth, right?
Incredibly, no, it’s true. The CHRONICLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION ($$) interviewed the associate AD at Michigan, one Judy Van Horn, and she confirms that the bureaucrats have, indeed, won:
A: These [athletes] need some nutrition, so [NCAA] legislation was passed [saying] … “It’s OK for you to give nuts, fruit, and bagels to these student athletes.” They don’t want to make it too vague so that people will push the envelope. So then we get these questions, “Can you give them cream cheese on the bagel?” And the answer is no. Sometimes the conversations we have appear not to be our highest use.
Q. Is this for real?
A. It’s for real. I’m worried about issues that are significant, that are serious—and I have to stand in front of a coach and say, “Oh, by the way, you can give your student athletes nuts and fruit and bagels, but no cream cheese on the bagel.”
All of this in protection of the exploitative cartel the NCAA runs. Oh, they’ll make unholy amounts of money on these players’ backs, but don’t they dare give these players cream cheese unless it’s the approved time for feeding. This actually happens in 21st century America. Just mind-boggling.
2:47 pm on August 20th, 2009
That is so Philly style!
3:47 pm on August 20th, 2009
A while back a team received some minor discipline because it gave it’s student-athletes a per diem which included money to buy breakfast while on a road trip. The NCAA’s argument was that since the hotel provided a continental breakfast as part of the room rate, the breakfast fee was illegal monetary compensation.
Seriously, have you been to one of those “free” continental breakfasts provided by a hotel? It’s usually held in a room not much bigger than the average hotel bedroom, and it has a few bagels, toast (you have to toast it yourself), a little jam, some fruit, and some yogurt, and those tiny boxes of cereal. You also get some coffee and hot water to make your own tea, but if you want some orange juice you usually have to wait a half hour or so for the waiter to bring in a single pitcher which quickly dissapears.
Now, imagine an entire athletic team descending upon that continental breakfast as soon as it opens at 7:00 a.m., with the coach shouting that everyone has to be finished eating and on the bus by 7:30 a.m. because that’s when the bus is leaving. The idea that anybody is going to get even remotely enough to eat is laughable - the smart ones might have grabbed a bannana or an orange and stuffed it in their pocket, but everybody else is going to be out of luck.
4:27 pm on August 20th, 2009
Love me some bagels and cream cheese!! What about lox? Plenty of nutrients in that. But then you’d have to have cream cheese along with lox, so this could all be moot.
6:39 pm on August 20th, 2009
NCAA = National Committee of Arrogant Assholes
6:56 pm on August 20th, 2009
I had a vegan friend give me a sample of a soy-based cream cheese substitute: it was actually quite good.
I believe that this would fall within the guidelines: in the end, it’s the functional equivalent to mashed up beans and nuts.
There are several nut and/or based spreads on the market. They should suffice, as should fruit compote, etc…
6:58 pm on August 20th, 2009
Matt, if someone in the NCAA followed that advice, we could potentially have one of the most ridiculous lawsuits in recent memory on our hands. That’s awesome.
1:39 pm on August 21st, 2009
Has anyone run this by the onion or checked the urban legend websites? This seems a bit much, even for the NCAA.