We’re both awed by and a little concerned for YOUR FACE IS A SPORTS BLOG after hearing that they spend their time researching SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit issues for fun and profit. (That’s one way to use the new SI archives, we suppose.) After reading what they discovered, though, we must speak for them as Real American Heroes.

Apparently, nearly all the sports couples that have appeared in SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit issues have been felled by awful circumstances. Better yet, nearly all of those circumstances could have been avoided if the athlete and/or spouse did not have their heads betwixt the cheeks of their posterior at all times.

While Allan Houston, Shaun Alexander, and Tom Gugliotta’s curse involved getting old for their work rather prematurely, the others on the short list came by their cursedness dishonestly.

Bill Romanowski, Mark McGwire, Jason Kidd, Chuck Finley, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens, and others all have numerous and massive holes in their feet from self-inflicted gunshots. (Many of their wives or ex-wives have been forced to avoid uncovered shoes themselves.) Please head to the piece for explanations on each one’s brilliant decisions if you need a refresher.

We must disagree with their conclusion, though; we don’t put this on the women in these men’s lives. Looking through the above list, we must conclude that agreeing to the photo shoot merely joins a series of other incredibly stupid decisions in these men’s biographies. Therefore, having the picture taken acts merely as a symptom of larger problems.

Regardless, we’re taking this information into account when we pick our fantasy baseball team next season. Stay away, Jacoby Ellsbury!