Shoplifters Lose Scholarships Over Terrible DVDs

You’re a young woman. Be it because of genes or a diet heavy in calcium, you’re a few inches taller than most. You’ve got decent motor skills. You manage to parlay this into a free college education (Winthrop University tuition: $21,000 annually). All you have to do is occasionally play basketball, and not get arrested.

Wal-Mart Thief

Winthrop basketball players Franchesca Davenport and Jennifer Walker failed at life this week, getting kicked off the team after shoplifting from Wal-Mart. As college-educated young women, they understand weighing risk and reward. So for what expensive products did they chance of losing their livelihoods? Chicken, hot dogs and two crappy DVDs.

Walker, who majors in consumer science and now minors in irony, was allegedly caught leaving the store with DVDs in her jacket pocket. According to WITH LEATHER, they were “The Secret Life of Bees” and “Madagascar”. If that’s not a cry for help, I don’t know what is.

Davenport had two bags of chicken in a Wal-Mart bag, and the third woman had a pack of hot dogs in her purse as all three women left the store, according to a police incident report.

Walker and Davenport both declined to comment Wednesday night.

The Winthrop athletics department released a statement Wednesday afternoon stating the two seniors had been dismissed from the team “for violation of team rules.”

The two had already been suspended a combined 16 games this season for unspecified violations, so I think Sam’s Club might want to check their inventory for missing copies of “The Love Guru” and “Max Payne”.