LARGEMOUTH ASS DEEP-FRIES FIELD: Congrats to Serena Williams on claiming the (Kraft) singles title at the Australian Open last weekend:
After dropping a lightly olive oil-drizzled Maria Sharapova into her personalized Fry Daddy in order to secure her just desserts, Serena took time out from a hot date with a post-match Bloomin’ Onion to finally convince fans that she’s not fat.
Williams to the assembled media in Australia after her tournament triumph: “I’m definitely in better shape than I get credit for. Just because I have large bosoms and I have a big ass. I swear my waist is 29-30 inches. I swear I have the smallest waist. And just because I have those two ‘assets’ it looks like I’m not fit.
“I was just in the locker room staring at my body and I’m like, ‘Am I not fit? Am I really not fit? Or is it just because I have all these extra assets that I look not fit.’ I think if I were not to eat for two years I still wouldn’t be a size 2.
“We’re living in a Mary-Kate Olsen world. I’m just not built that way. I’m bootylicious and that’s how it’s always going to be.
“And as long as my handlers, in order to keep their jobs, insist to me that I’m not a fat pig, I’ll keep pretending I look like I did five years ago, before my tragic addiction to corn dogs, internet shopping, and Dippin’ Dots kicked in.”
Okay, I made that last comment up.