Aww, baby… you know Willie Bloomquist didn’t mean nothin’ by it. He’s jus’ a man playing utility infielder for the Seattle Mariners, girl; you know he can’t control himself sometimes. He jus’ sees a pretty clam all up in his face and he gets sprung, y’know? He’s jus’ a utility infielder, baby! We ain’t sayin’ he’s a clam digger, girl; we just know he ain’t learnin’ how to hit a breakin’ ball.

So… uhm… do you think you could get him out of that ticket for digging up too many razor clams in Twin Harbors? ‘Cause, uhm, that would be cool. No? Okay. He’ll cough up the $50 fine.

Willie Bloomquist couldn’t hit the beach sand with a bat, so they let him have a shovel to dig up clams? Also, could he be any different than Rick Ankiel, who needs a huge boat to catch huge fish with his huge muscles?

While Latrell Sprewell’s picking fights on yachts and Cedric Benson’s dividing the nation with his supposed drunken escapades on water, what does Willie Bloomquist do? He doesn’t even get into the boat. He just digs up a few too many clams. Even his crimes lack power.

Bloomquist might now be the worst player in baseball as well as the least masculine. (Luckily for him, Doug Glanville retired to take away all competition in both areas.)