Tony Romo Is Drunken & Charming…And Cursed?

When you first heard that superstar power couple Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson had split, you probably thought that was the last you’d have to hear about Simpson on your daily sports blog reads. You might have even thought you’d be able to make it through a Cowboys game without being constantly reminded of Simpson’s existence. You thought you’d be free to continue your loathing of the Cowboys in peace, the way it was meant to be.

Jessica Simpson

(Keep that mouth shut, and everything will be fine)

Yeah, well, guess what, chump? You thought wrong. The Romo/Simpson stories are never going away, and you’re going to suck it up and read them like the man (or woman) you are. Did you hear - Tony was cheating, or at least trying to cheat, on Jessica! And that’s not even the half of it…

Thank God for the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, and thank God that Jessica has really s****y friends. How else would we find our things like this?

Girlfriends trying to “comfort” JESSICA SIMPSON post-breakup helpfully divulged that dog TONY ROMO hit on not one…not two…but THREE of them while he and Jess were still together!

One friend told her: “We were at a party when you were out of town and I ran into Tony. We were friendly, just talking. But the more he drank, the more friendly he got. Finally, he said, ‘ You know, you and I should get together - Jessica doesn’t need to find out!’

Big pimpin’, Tony. Why settle for one washed-up starlet when you could have a washed-up starlet AND her hangers-on? That’s the kind of competitive spirit Cowboys fans should be thrilled to see. So how’s ol’ Jessie taking the news? NOT. WELL. Again, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER (via noted gossip hound Big Daddy Balls) was there with this shocker:

 The National Enquirer reports that Simpson met a witch online (You might say she was… eWitched. Huh? Huh?), and hired her to put a hex on Romo’s love life AND his play with the Cowboys this year.

A source told National Enquirer magazine: “Jessica is normally a really sweet girl, but she still can’t believe Tony callously dumped her. She found a woman in California. The two met at the star’s Beverly Hills home where they lit a candle, burned some incense and performed a couple of incantations.”

Wait, wasn’t Simpson already a curse on Romo’s career? On the other hand, anyone who actually spent their college years in Charleston, Illinois knows how to overcome adversity. Seriously. That place sucks.