You! Yes, you, with the comically small amount of money! Would you like to attend an actual “sporting event” with “nationally recognized teams” and the possibility of seeing a “professional sports superstar”? Fret not! SbB@3 will put you in the cheapest seats imaginable, so you can have the privilege of squinting at millionaires who gave up on their season… often before it even began!
Our first special sporting event comes from sunny Los Angeles, the city where even the ugly people are beautiful. There resides sporting’s pre-eminent international man of intrigue, David Beckham. What would you pay to watch the superstar reinvent the sport of soccer for this great country? $500? $1,000? $55,000? Nay, nay, and nay!
$5.00! A blowjob from a toothless meth addict wearing a trash bag costs more in that city. Or so we’re told, we assure you. Buy now! Buy many of them! Celebrate the great success of the David Beckham Experiment!
If soccer’s not your thin but still crave the spectacle, why not a home opener? Why, in Dallas, they laughably oversold their tickets just to break a record, and those tickets were $29. Cheap? Only if you don’t demand more value!
Okay, so this isn’t the NFL and it’s not the Cowboys. It’s the NHL. But in many ways, the Phoenix Coyotes are like the Cowboys of the NHL! After all, they… um… did we mention this is a season opener?
Ka-pow! 2 weeks before the opener, and tickets have already fallen to $13. Why, by the time the puck drops on that magical Saturday evening, tickets should be available for a lollipop and a shred of paper that says “MONEY” on it.
Hockey not your thing either? Still despondent over Wayne Gretzky’s departure from that once proud Coyotes franchise? We understand your pain, but don’t you dare put away that money yet! Because it’s still baseball season, and if there’s one thing New Yorkers love, it’s baseball in October! Also cocaine. They love cocaine like crazy in that city. But also baseball in October!
And while Yankee Stadium won’t let you in without taking out a second mortgage and selling a kidney (doesn’t have to be yours, if you’re feeling feisty enough), the Mets are feeling plenty inviting at their own new stadium for the 10/2 tilt against the Houston Astros:
Boy howdy! The Mets and Yankees are having pretty similar years, right? How can you not want a ticket that’s a third of what a beer’ll run you? Besides, if the game starts to go south, as they so often do, just start cheering for the Astros and you’ll go home a winner! Also, anyone who shows up in a replica jersey with a hat and glove is liable to be used as a defensive replacement in left, so… stay on your toes.
But in case you don’t want to spend an evening outside in New York during autumn, we can hardly blame you; you’re a total p*ssy. Your wife even agrees; it’s why she’s having an affair! So why not travel to
Tennessee’s third-world country beautiful, prosperous Memphis instead? They’re hosting the exciting Oklahoma City Thunder, and they might have some seats available…
Sweet Georgia Brown! These teams are no slouches, either; OKC boasts Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and Jeff Green, while Memphis has players like O.J. Mayo, Rudy Gay, and the league’s preeminent gentleman, Allen Iverson. Come watch them all sit on the bench while their backups get in one last game before being cut for roster space! It’s an exhibition that’s exhiBITCHIN’!
If we’re still too rich for your blood, though, kudos to you! A true bargain hunter is always patient, and have we got a doozy for you. It’s utterly hapless New Mexico State… at almost-as-hapless San Jose State… general admission. Nobody would ever want these seats, right? You’d have to be some sort of crazy person to ever pay more than a dollar for those seats, right? Behold!
Cheap-a-rama! You–wait… Five thousand dollars?! But… but…. (head explodes)