You, sir! Yes you, the poor schlub with $13.26 to his name, pointing to himself and mouthing the word “me?” to me! You may be a fat destitute, loser - we’re just assuming the fat part, but this is America, so that guess is pretty solid - but you can still watch
the most exciting sports in the world!
Yes, it’s time once again for our weekly feature on the best deals in all of sports. ALL OF SPORTS, people! It’s winter now, and that means it’s time to head indoors to watch our sports, where they’re… played on ice. People! We’re supposed to be trying to get out of the cold, not play our sports on them! Luckily, the abject disgust Americans have for the frozen pond means the savings get passed on to you!
First up in our mostly hockey spectacular is in the historic city of Anaheim, which is just basically one giant strip mall with a a mayor. They have an ice hockey team that they named after a Disney movie, which still astonishes us to this day, and they’ve got HELLA GOOD SEATS! Do they say “hella” over there still? You bet your hella ass they do! Hit us with a deal!
Hella! $3.99! Although, to be fair, some of our more magnanimous readers may say, “friend, that is TOO low a price to pay for these seats! I can’t rip a fellow American off! I won’t! Accept more money, I demand it!” And you, Sam the Good Samaritan, are in luck! For just 99 more cents, you get upgraded to a seat two rows higher, and with a deal that defies all logic!
Exclamation points! The ducks hit there, which, we don’t even know what that means, but it sounds terrific! What a deal!
Of course, not all of our readers are on the left coast, nor do they all want to purchase airfare to southern California, even if it’s to take advantage of such an amazing deal. May we interest you in sunny Atlanta? Because while the ticket prices are a bit higher, you’re to be rewarded beyond belief with perfect seats. Doubt us? Don’t doubt the truth!
Bananarama! It says right there on the ticket description: perfect seats! You can even see both goals, which is perfect because this is full-rink hockey! Obstructed views can just go obstruct themselves - whatever that means!
Ah, but these are southern cities without a history of hockey or the ability to drive when the temperature dips below 40. Certainly a hockey paradise like Boston would have horrible prices, yes?
By the brains carved out of Bobby Hull’s cranium! Not only do you only pay $9, but you get the added bonus of the somewhat sketchy terms of the deal, complete with every murderer’s best friend - the undisclosed location! Why, we’d pay triple to feel like our lives were in danger before we even got to the game!
If you’re thinking differently, though - October’s widely known as the most romantic month of the year - you may want to treat yourself and a lucky lady. Perhaps even splurge a bit (though save that for after the game, buddy! Gross!). So since you’re already in Atlanta, why not find the single most expensive pair of tickets in the house for their game? Mid-court, 11 rows up? That’s got to be at least a hand-job in the cab home! So how much is that beef jerkin’ gonna run you?
Ejaculation! That’s literally the most expensive seat we could find for the game, which tells you one thing - Atlantans are too excited about the Hawks to do things like spend money on exhibition tickets! Take advantage of the deal, bargain-hopper, before the deal takes advantage of you!