This week on a very special What You Won’t Watch, Fitness dominatrix Denise Austin — who has become a regular here — convinces you to stretch in ways you never thought possible. Also, horribly putrid college football, constructing a Donald Trump combover, and “CBS Early Show” hosts annoy the nine-year-old kid who made that amazing hockey goal.
- 8 p.m., ESPNU, College volleyball: Regular Season Women’s College Volleyball — Idaho vs. Utah State. God, why hath thou forsaken me? (I’ll get you for this).
- 5 p.m., ESPN, Documentary: 30 For 30: Small Potatoes: Who Killed The USFL? presented by Levi’s. For those who can’t get enough of Donald Trump’s hair, this is for you. Ken Burns rolls over in his grave, and he’s not even dead.
- “What You Won’t Watch” bonus coverage: How to style your hair like Donald Trump! It’s like a Rubik’s Cube for your head.
- 7:30 a.m., ESPN CLASSIC, Fitness: Getting Fit with Denise Austin. Because a limber America is a strong America. “Hold that stretch … you’re doing great!”
- 7 p.m., ESPN, College football: Tulsa at UTEP. Obnoxious Alert … Miners’ web site announces “Free Light-Up Thunderstix will be presented to the first 20,000 fans that enter the stadium.”
- 8 a.m., ESPN Classic, Bowling: 1993 PBA bowling from Littleton, Colorado. If you don’t know how to tie a noose and your doctor refuses to prescribe sleeping pills, here is an alternative. If Rumsfeld had used this at Guantanamo he’d be in prison now.
- 7 p.m., CBSC, College football: DII: North Alabama at Valdosta State. If you have recovered from the excitement from this morning’s ESPN bowling.
- 9:30 p.m., Versus, Outdoors: Realtrees Monster Bulls — “Hunter Jeff Troesh stalks elk in, of all places, Southern California just north of Los Angeles.” Um, how far north? Look out, Brooks.
- 7:45 a.m., ESPN 360, Soccer: FIFA U-17 World Cup — Mexico vs. Switzerland. The historic death struggle between these nations continues.
- 2:30, MASN, College football: Coastal Carolina at Stony Brook. Nerd alert: The university’s nickname is the Chanticleers, named after the proud, witty rooster made famous in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
- 1 p.m., CBS, NFL: San Diego at Kansas City. You have Larry Johnson and Chris Chambers on your fantasy team. Poor dumb sap. Might as well get some gardening done.
- 4:05 p.m., CBS, NFL: Buffalo at Carolina. Forget catching a pass — I’d just like to see T.O. throw a block.
MONDAY, OCT. 26
- 8:30 p.m., ESPN, NFL: Philadelphia at Washington. Just figured you’d need some extra time to make sure to avoid this one.
WHAT YOU DIDN’T WATCH
- Friday, Oct. 16, CBS, “Oliver!”: “Early Show” co-hosts Maggie Rodriguez and Harry Smith pepper young Oliver Wahlstrom with questions about his trick goal in the TD Bank 1-on-1 Mini Tournament in Boston. Oliver, whose dad played professionally in Sweden, reveals that he learned the shot by watching a similar one on YouTube. More about Olivermania here.