Howdy, folks. It’s been a week since we last brought you the cheapest seats on STUBHUB.COM that we could find, and rest assured that we haven’t rested in our search to bring you live event entertainment. Because why sit at home with your family/pets/silverware when you can actually go to a game, get slaughtered on concession prices, and then sit in traffic for 3 hours on the way home? Exactly, it’s a no-brainer; you go to the game.
First off, let’s honor one of the great traditions in all of sport: homecoming! No, not the high school homecoming, where the oldest you can come back for the game without being kind of creepy and pervy is 19. We’re talking about college homecoming, where all the students are legal, and if you’re going to come home for a game, why not do it in the exciting, picturesque (we’re assuming) Mid-American Conference?
Yes, you can attend a real college homecoming football game without being sodomized by high prices! How much would you pay to revel with the alumni of historic Kent State, the school immortalized in CSNY’s classic love song, “Ohio”? $50? $100? Your own mother’s kidneys?? Put that scalpel away and tell momma she’s not waking up in a tub full of ice tonight; because the Bargain Brothers are about to run a train on you!
Inexpensbulous! That’s 6 tickets for only $6! They appear to be a package deal, but that’s okay; for the price of a Burger King value meal, you can stretch out on the bleachers and take a nap - as if you’d need to during a typically high-flying MAC football game!
Ah, but our smartest of the smarty-pantsed readers might recognize that that game isn’t until next weekend; unfortunately, at press time, no college football tickets for tomorrow were available (and we know that it’s not out of scarcity; we even checked UTEP). So if you’re in the mood for something going on this weekend, we’d be happy to have you in tropical Cincinnati!
Yes, in Cincy (the “Land of 1000 Lakes,” as the locals call it), you can still catch an exciting game in the thick of the pennant race between the Reds and their bitter rivals, the Pirates! The game’s at 7:10, when the temperature should be a balmy 58 or so (don’t worry, it’ll be dropping through the night), so pack your sunscreen! Ready for the savings? They don’t care if you’re ready!
3rd Row? 3rd Wow! For $1.19, you’ll be saving enough to buy a traveler of Paramount vodka: the perfect way to get drunk anywhere you need to without enjoying it! Watch the players try to hang themselves from their dugout ceilings with just their shoelaces; it’s almost more fun than the game itself!
If you’re already betrothed to a different baseball team, though, we understand, and you don’t have to go to Cincinnati. Fortunately, this weekend is a special one, as the NHL season is just “kicking off,” pun very intended! How does attending an NHL season opener sound? All you have to do is head to Atlanta with just your friend Alexander Hamilton and get a ticket; you’ll even come back with your other friends, the Washington twins! Jesus saves… on StubHub!
Kazaam! That’s the Lightning and the Thrashers, two teams with literally multiple fans! Come witness the magic and pageantry of an NHL game without all the “tradition” or “people who grew up liking hockey”! You’ll be wishing you were watching a different sport in no time!
Finally, for our west coast fans, we tried to find a little off-season baseball action for you, and we regret that we were out of luck. Just wait until spring, though, because StubHub knows what the excitement’s all about:
Moneyball! It’s a chance for all those Sacramento residents who’ve heard so much about the new trend that’s sweeping baseball to actually witness it for themselves! Sure, it looks an awful lot like regular baseball, nor has “Moneyball” ever produced a player that people ever think of as “gritty,” but facts be damned, the River Cats - whatever those might be - are gritty Moneyballers! Try to contain your excitement until spring, Sac-town, Moneyball’s coming back soon! Or something!