SbB@3: Kiana vs. Denise Austin, The Final Flexing

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Have you ever wondered what would happen if ESPN fitness shows “Kiana’s Flex Appeal” and “Getting Fit With Denise Austin” went back-to-back in an ultimate flexing-babe ratings showdown war? We’ll find out who prevails in this week’s feature, with video. Plus, Welsh soccer, Xtreme Bull Riding, and gratuitous Brooke Hogan. It’s stuff you’d never watch, even if threatened with a large hammer!

TODAY

  • 9 p.m., Golf Channel, Golf: Big Break Disney. Some sort of reality series. Sorry, I’ll be vacuuming the dog.

TUESDAY

  • 4 a.m., ESPN Classic, Fitness: Kiana’s Flex Appeal. In the eternal struggle of late-night fitness TV wenches, who will prevail? Kiana, or …
  • 4:30 a.m., ESPN Classic, Fitness: Getting Fit With Denise Austin. There’s only room for one fitness chick in this town, you b***h!

  • 7:15 a.m., ESPN2, Soccer: 2009 FIFA U-20 World Cup, semifinals — Ghana vs. Hungary. Lets go to the maps, such as.

Map of Hungary

HUNGARY: Weaknesses — Cities seem to be random series of consonants … city of Ozd does not contain Munchkins … it’s teeming with Mongols (may not be current weakness) … goulash. Strengths: Lake Balaton one of best lakes ever … no Starbucks in Budapest … their dogs double as mops.

map of Ghana

GHANA: Weaknesses — Pretentious neighbor changed name from Ivory Coast to Cote d’Ivoire … Lake Volta takes up too much space … too many languages, not enough dialects … snakes. Strengths: They have a city named Tamale … Peace and understanding between White Volta and Black Volta Rivers … Miss Ghana.

WEDNESDAY

  • 5 a.m., ESPN360, Soccer: World Cup qualifier, Liechtenstein vs. Wales. You’ve just risen at 5 a.m. to watch Liechtenstein soccer. Later you’ll read the dictionary, iron your socks and attempt to hypnotize the cat. Then it’s lunch, and a nice cozy room at the sanitarium.
  • 7 p.m., ESPN2, Soccer: MLS Game of The Week — New York Red Bulls vs. Real Salt Lake. I’m deciding between this and being hit in the head six times with a circus mallet.

THURSDAY

  • 2 a.m., ESPN Classic, Rodeo: Dodge Xtreme Bulls 2006 Ride Hard Tour. They call it Xtreme Bull Riding, but when would riding a bull not be extreme? “Ah, it’s just regular bull riding, Larry. Change the station. I think Lichtenstein is playing Wales in soccer.”
  • 7 p.m., CBSC, College football: DII: Virginia Union at Virginia State. Name both of these team nicknames in the comments section, and win some free stuff I have lying around.

FRIDAY

  • 8 a.m., ESPN, Quidditch. Huffelpuff vs. Ravenclaw.
  • 7:30 p.m., VERSUS, Outdoors: Napas North To Alaska. Larry Csonka is back with Brian Peterson for the second half of his trip Ugak Bay. This time they’ll trudge miles in the snow on a double hunt for Sitka Blacktail.” Watch as the deer outwits Larry by painting a tunnel on the face of a large rock, and running into it.

SATURDAY

    Brooke Hogan

  • 11 a.m., BTN, College football: Delaware State at Michigan. Hornets the only college football team to go 0-1 in May. Hope this pasting will be worth the cash.

SUNDAY

  • 1 p.m., FOX, NFL: Rams at Jaguars. What? You mean you’re not attending in person?
  • 4:15 p.m., FOX, NFL: Eagles at Raiders. Wow this will stink. However, there’s always the chance that Tom Cable will punch someone, and that someone could be Al Davis.