SbB@3: A Brief Lecture On The Day’s Headlines

Welcome to our new weekly feature, Fireside Chats with FauxPa. As you can see, FauxPa bears a striking resemblance to a certain college football coach from a team with the word “State” in their name. We assure you that this is all completely coincidental.

Fireside with FauxPa - SbB@3 Exclusive Weekly Feature!

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there, on account of my eyeglasses have not been changed in the last 40 years. I don’t know what’s up and what’s down anymore. I tell ya. Secretary! Secretary, if you’re there, and don’t bother saying yes or no because you know I can’t hear a damned thing. I can sense vibrations, like an animal on the prairie. That’s about it.

Okay, we’re all here, so let me dictate my weekly press release on the state of our football team. First things first: what in the hell is with this Kanye West character attacking that poor white girl and beating her within an inch of her life? I tell ya. I never much cared for apartment buildings or submarines, and I don’t much care for Kanye West. Furthermore, I took a look at this so-called best video of all times, and I don’t see the allure. Maybe it’s just me, but take a look:

Disgusting. Back in my day, the women weren’t so much with the obesities and the short hair. Near as I can tell, that’s a man, but they tell me that’s this “Beyonce” damsel, which isn’t a name I ever heard of. They also say she’s a looker, but the only thing she’s looking like is that Charlie Weis fellow having a seizure.

Speaking of Charlie Weis, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I don’t follow what that program is all about. In my mind, “Fighting Irish” isn’t a nickname, it’s a life’s pursuit. I hope they lose every single game until they take their poor temperments back to their home country.

What in the world ever happened to that O.J. Simpson fellow? Best damned runner I ever saw. Quick story about him, if you don’t mind. Back when I…

(nods off for like 15 minutes)

…at which point he tells me, “no, but I’ve got a fine four-door sedan!” Ah, ha ha ha. I sure do miss that kid.

I know it’s long since passed, but I still disagree with letting Arizona become a state in the union. Never did much to deserve it, if you ask me.

About the biggest heartbreak I ever got was back in 1966, my first year at Penn State*. I had my meeting with the equipment managers, and I told them just about the classiest thing our team could do is argyle uniform socks. The real thing, not just printed on. God bless them, they tried and tried, but the daily laundry turned into such a chore, plus the damned things ripped whenever a cleat so much as touched them. We abandoned the idea after a week, and we haven’t looked at it since. I regret it to this day, I tell you. Argyle tells people you mean business and you know how to pick out a sharp pair of socks. These kids today with their bright white, the tube socks, I tell ya, it just makes me ill.

Also, alfredo sauce makes me ill. I don’t mean to get too personal with you, but

[EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point, FauxPa launched into a 15 minute diatribe on the gastrointestinal distress that alfredo sauce and other dairy products cause him at his old age. The first three people to attempt reading it gouged their eyes out with their bare hands, so we’ve just included this disclaimer instead. You’re welcome.]

Secretary, I believe that should do it for today’s press release. Oh, and God rest Myles Brand. He was a good man, that Myles. Pain in my ass like you wouldn’t believe and I suspect he was secretly an ethnic Irish, but a good man all the same. I tell ya. Okay, go ahead, read that press release back to me.

The Penn State Football Fantasy Camp will be featured Saturday, Sept. 19 on Big Ten Football Saturday: Pre-Game Show on the Big Ten Network.

The program begins at 10:30 a.m and will be followed at 12:00 p.m. by the Penn State-Temple game from Beaver Stadium. Rick Pizzo and former Nittany Lion All-American Kyle Brady are the remote hosts for Big Ten Football Saturday: Pre-Game Show.

Big Ten Network anchor Mike Hall was among the participants at the fourth annual camp, held in June on the University Park campus. Hall participated in all the practices and meetings for the four-day camp, which culminated in a game in Beaver Stadium that ended in a 32-32 tie. Several Penn State football coaches worked the camp, along with former players Blair Thomas, Kenny Jackson and Rick Sayles.

Perfect. Verbatim, young lady. Go ahead and take off early for the day, my little dumplin’. Women shouldn’t work too hard, y’know. Their brains are too small for that.

*Again, our lawyers stress that any similarities to actual coaches are purely coincidental. They have bowie knives held to our scrotal areas, and they mean business.