SbB@3: 1980s Hockey, Wild Hogs, Korean Soccer

What You Won't Watch

The worst in sports TV, in easy-to-take tablet form. Once again, we remind all SbB readers to keep their hands and arms in the vehicle at all times, lest they be bitten by wild hogs, or the lovely Kiana Tom.

MONDAY

  • 6 p.m., ESPN Classic, Hockey: 1987 Patrick Div. Semifinals, Game 7 — New York Islanders vs. Washington Capitals. Bryan Trottier! Denis Potvin! From when “Gorillas In The Mist” was the No. 1 movie in the land, and Dennis Miller was a liberal. No one could possibly like hockey this much.

Babe Winkelman

  • 6 p.m., Versus, Outdoors. Babe Winkelman’s Good Fishing. Be sure to tune in on Oct. 15 for the premiere of the new spin-off show, “Babe Winkelman’s Shallow Grave Deep In The Forest.”

TUESDAY

  • 7 a.m., ESPNU, Soccer. 2009 FIFA U-20 World Cup, Germany vs. Korea. Please see listing for “CSI: New York”, below.
  • 12:30 a.m., ESPN2, College football: ESPN2 College Football presented by 5-Hour Energy — Indiana vs. Michigan. Relive the glorious Bill Lynch meltdown, if you must.
  • 4 p.m., ESPN2, Poker: 2009 World Series of Poker presented by Jack Link’s Beef Jerky. What is this mysterious connection between poker and beef jerky? And why when I watch this do I feel like Flounder from “Animal House?” “You guys playin’ cards?”

WEDNESDAY

  • 7:30 a.m., Versus, Outdoors: Camo Life (TV-NR), South Carolina Hogs & Whitetail Management. David, Tina and friends go archery hunting for hogs in South Carolina. Then later they head off to Texas for whitetails.” And if there’s time, it’s off to the Appalachians to hike with  Gov. Mark Sanford.
  • 3 p.m., WGN, MLB. Pirates at Cubs. Has there ever been anything in the history of mankind more inconsequential than a Pirates-Cubs game on the last day of September?
  • 8 p.m., CBS, Drama: CSI: New York. The investigative team probes the grisly murder of the guy who attempted to wake me on Tuesday at 7 a.m. for the Germany-Korea soccer match.

THURSDAY

  • 4 a.m., ESPN CLASSIC, Fitness. Kiana’s Flex Appeal. If you’re watching this, you’re a very lonely, horny, fit individual:

  • 9 p..m., Golf Channel. Navistar LPGA Classic from Prattville, Ala. In addition to high-profile golf events, Prattville is also home to singer Wilson Pickett, and many F2-and-above tornadoes.

FRIDAY

  • 11 a.m., ESPNU, College Volleyball. 2009 ESPNU Women’s Volleyball, Nebraska vs. Oklahoma. The best part of matches like these is always arriving five hours early for the tailgating.

SATURDAY

  • 9 a.m., ESPN2, ESPN2HD, College Football. Arkansas State vs. Iowa. So it’s come to this for you? Seriously? Well, at least it’s in HD.

SUNDAY

  • 1 p.m., ESPN2, ESPN2HD, WNBA. WNBA Finals. I have no earthly idea who’s playing.
  • 1 p.m., FOX, NFL. Tampa Bay at Washington. In a contest much less compelling than the one directly above, Tom Cruise reveals that he’s actually researching a movie role, and has no real interest in the Redskins. If they miss the playoffs, by the way, they have to change their nickname.