As Tax Day approaches, the entire AL East has clumped up tighter than Trevor Immelman’s cheeks as the Masters closed Sunday. (Good Lord; I thought he would explode or collapse or spontaneously combust as he walked up 18.) The Red Sox and Yankees share identical records as tonight’s tilt kicks off.

(Where’s the rest of him? WHERE?!?)

It’s too early in the year to worry about the Orioles in “first”; it’s just a waiting game until the Yanks and Sawx reclaim their rightful place in the American League and leave our hopes for the Rays out in the sun a bit too long. (Well, not all of them.)

Therefore, the fans from Boston and the American League districts of New York can concentrate on the most important part of the rivalry tonight: the hate. Let it flow, unencumbered by concerns about playoff spots or weekend bragging rights. It’s clobberin’ time!

Pitching Matchups: Phil Hughes (0-1, 5.00 ERA) vs. Daisuke Matsusaka (2-0, 1.47 ERA)

Maybe Phil’s delivery has changed since last season. Maybe not. Maybe Daisuke’s got his Western sea legs now. Maybe not. It’s the matchup ESPN dreams about, though. No one can claim the bragging rights until the next round at Yankee Memorabilia Stadium came easily.

Game Notes:

• Carl Pavano attended the Masters today. He’s also unencumbered by anything involving baseball. Thanks, George! (Also, thanks to Lizzy Nielsen at AM NEW YORK for the tip.)
• They found the jersey. Thank goodness; imagine the Indian burial ground-style curse that would have come down on the new Yankee Stadium if a David Ortiz jersey resided inside it!
• (Okay, but seriously… we know that wasn’t the jersey the construction worker buried. That one’s long gone. This was all for show. The jersey might as well have had ketchup on it. Right, Gary?)
• While we’re at it, could we get Ortiz to put that jersey on tonight? Maybe it will return his powers; he’s batting a sad .070/.231/.140 this season.
• Derek Jeter’s still out until he’s not. A nation clutches its chest, waiting in vain for the answer.

I’ll be back for first pitch. After I missed out on a no-hitter in the eighth yesterday at New Comiskey, I demand one tonight. Let’s get crackin’, kids.

Pregame:

A reminder that the Red Sox have won two World Series combined with a photo montage and an “Annie” reference. Stellar start. Hacktastic.

Jeter’s out, Posada is in at DH, and no one could get Ortiz his jersey in time, so he’ll sit out tonight. What I said before still stands: both teams are missing one star with questionable defensive skills, so bragging rights stand.

Did ESPN use this many photo montages last year or are they still tussling with MLB about their video usage?

I love me some Molina brothers. It’s great to see one in the game tonight. I expect juggling or a tightrope act.

First Inning:

• Hey, we saw the first pitch! How novel, Fox.
• Jesus H. Molina, did we really need the dramatic action music when announcing Jeter has an owie?
• As we hear that the 2008 Yankees haven’t stolen a base until tonight, a note: the 2006 Florida Marlins (managed by one Joseph Elliot Girardi) stole 110 bases, upper-half in the NL standings. Maybe Girardi can adjust to his team; maybe it’s just early.
• Alex Rodriguez hits into a double play and it finally feels like a Yankees-Red Sox narrative.
• Ugh. Sean Casey at first. I’d rather have Fred Hoiberg at first base for the Red Sox than Sean Casey.
• Both pitchers are in the early-season charitable walking spirit. I’m not sure which charities both pitchers are raising money for.
• Jon Miller has a firm grasp of Canadian irony because Phil Hughes used to be a third baseman.
• Oh, Jose… you let the Molina brothers down.
• What’s with all the early sprinting? Don’t they see the wildness of the pitchers? Why run out of the inning?
• Joe Morgan has a firm grasp of the reflexive property. The Yankees are indeed the Yankees, Joe.
• Also, Joe: objects appearing to be faster are not necessarily faster. The term is “deceptively quick”. You know, like Pat Burrell.
• Manny Ramirez singles home Jacoby Ellsbury (sigh!) for a 1-0 Red Sox lead.
• Kevin Youkilis follows up with a deep sacrifice fly to send J.D. Drew home for a 2-0 Red Sox lead. Manny’s still on first, talking to his new worm friend.
• Still an awful lot of movement on the basepaths for a pitcher up to 30 pitches.
• A ground rule double for the Mayor, whose new zoning laws have exhausted Bobby Abreu. Never dis the Mayor.
• Manny scoots home on a curveball that viciously fooled Jose Molina. 3-0 Red Sox. Wrong guy to fake out, Phil. Do you need a new copy of the signs memo, Phil?
• Strikeout and the inning ends mercifully for Phil. Still, Hughes’ charity must be thrilled tonight.

Yikes. Inauspicious start for my pitching duel wish. Let’s see if this works for the second…

Second Inning:

• Oh, look. A walk. Matsusaka’s charity must be putting the pressure on.
• By the way, I’m taking suggestions on what charities these two Boy Scouts are supporting with their walking habits.
• Joe Morgan is shocked that Jorge Posada would take a 3-1 pitch. Has he been watching the same game as the rest of us? Posada played the odds quite wisely.
• Boston has implemented the shift for Jason Giambi. I assume the shift for Giambi plays him towards the trainer’s table.
• Two weak popups and Matsusaka’s nearly out of trouble. Nearly.
• “The sandwich pick of the Molina brothers.” I see what you did there, Jon Miller.

• Coco Crisp: also deceptively quick on a bunt single.
• Coco Crisp: also deceptively quick on a stolen base.
• Joe Morgan: deceptively stupid about basestealing, especially considering he stole 689 bases in his career at an 81% success rate.
• Coco Crisp: pretty average while moving up to third on an infield out. Somehow, it’s Alex Rodriguez’s out.
• Shout out to Alberto Gonzalez and his basket catch. Certainly, Jeter could have caught that, but he would have slid and then jutted his glove into the air to show his brilliance.
• And Dustin Pedroia is deceived by Hughes’ deceptively quick delivery. We’ve all been fooled into heading into the third inning.

Third Inning

• A beautiful catch by an intensely ugly man. Well done, Julio Lugo.
• Brace yourself: another walk. Which charity benefits this time?
• What the hell is with all the running?
• ESPN and Elias want us to know that Robinson Cano has the most hits of any second baseman since an arbitrary date that serves him best. Congratulations, son. Now think about the other second basemen in baseball over the last three seasons. I’m pretty sure everyone in that contest gets a hug and a participation ribbon after it’s over.
• Thank you, ESPN, for letting me watch Alex Rodriguez reload on his gum. I feel like part of the game now.
• Cano strikes out. Damon still at second. Two down.
• Daisuke can’t throw a strike. Unless he can.
• Bobby Abreu smacks a double off the Monster. Ellsbury tries to fake out Damon with the ol’ “I GOT IT I GOT IT I GOT IT you get it” trick with the wall, but Johnny scoots home regardless. 3-1 Red Sox.
• The Mayor reels in Alex Rodriguez’s foul ball with electable grace and ends the top of the third. Matsusaka has now thrown 80921389210 pitches, seven fewer than Hughes.

(Deceptively hot)

• The bottom half of the third inning starts with the traditional walk, this time to J.D. Drew.
• Man, I’m glad to hear Joe Morgan knows about Johan Santa.
• Alex Rodriguez continues to strength his personal narrative by failing to reel in a base hit from Manny. Thanks for caring about the media, Alex!
• Youkilis smashes a single off the “New York” sign on the AL East standings in the Monster, scoring Drew and moving Manny to second. Nice touch, Kevin. 4-1 Red Sox.
• Johnny Damon cannot get a single back into home without a conveyor belt, allowing Manny to score on another single by The Mayor. (Yes, I see you there, Sean.) 5-1 Red Sox.
• Ross Ohlendorf (of the Austin Ohlendorfs) relieves Phil Hughes, who needs a Kit Kat or some other mental health tool. Phil’s line: 2 IP, 5 H, 3 R, 3 BB, 3 K. Not enough to make us forget Santa.
• Giambi snags a ball hit at him by Crisp; the runners move to second and third. Two down. Apparently, deceptively quick doesn’t help if you can’t get on first. Joe, did you know that?
• Dusty Baker cannot believe how clogged these bases are. Youkilis and Casey? Might as well shove a balloon into the basepaths now.
• Molina’s still thinking about that sandwich, allowing the ball to pass beyond him to the general region behind him. Youkilis unclogs the bases while Casey moves to third. 6-1 Red Sox.
• Wait for it… another walk for Lugo! It’s a team effort. First and third, two out.
• And the hits just keep on coming! Ellsbury’s single sends home Casey to make it back in time for the City Council meeting. 7-1 Red Sox.
  
• Whoa, mercy mercy Dustin. He hits into a force out and I’m off to ram my hands into buckets of ice between innings.

Fourth Inning

• Crisp can’t offer enough lovin’ on Matsui’s double over his head, putting another rally in action. ESPN helpfully shows that Crisp almost never commits errors, putting the lie to that number.
• Seriously, how great is the Internet? I want a Sam and Dave commercial break and I’ve got one in 60 seconds. Between this and the porn, I hope the Internet sticks around for awhile.
• Posada strikes out, offering Matsusaka his first K of the evening. Of course, even that took more pitches than he can afford right now; this promises to be a long night of numerous pitching changes. Reschedule tomorrow morning’s meetings accordingly.
• Would we care as much about Jason Giambi’s infidelities with fans about his ass-pokings if he looked more like Nook Logan? Jason looks like Central Casting sent him over.
• Oh, look. A walk to Giambi. Unfathomable.
• Jose Molina lifts a double down the right field line, scoring Matsui and sending Giambi to third in a huff and/or puff. 7-2 Red Sox.
• Matsusaka looks as laconic as his first pitch of the night. Someone slap him into throwing strikes.
• Alberto Gonzalez singles home Giambi and Molina lumbers into third. I haven’t seen Gonzalez before tonight and I’m pleased to see him doing well. I mean, as pleased as I can be that this game’s going four hours. 7-3 Red Sox.
• Gonzalez moves up on another wild pitch. Can we hand out catcher’s gloves before the next inning?
• Jon Miller: a 7-2 deficit is NOT “the clutch”.
• Jacoby Ellsbury’s arm came from Johnny Damon Enterprises, so Jose Molina scores on Damon’s sac fly. 7-4 Red Sox.
• Cano refuses to join the hammerin’ party, flying out to Lugo. End of the top of the fourth.
  
• Drew strikes out. He should be filled with shame. One down in the bottom of the fourth.
• Can it be considered a purpose pitch when no one seems to have a purpose for any of their pitches? Manny considers.
• Oh, look. A walk to Manny…
• You know why I didn’t compare Tiger and Manny in my mind before? Because it’s RIDICULOUS. Thank you.
• Single by Youkilis. Manny to second, clog dancing in Kevin’s path. I’m goin’ to the bloggin’ pen if this goes 12-11.
• Man, Ross throws really hard when he completely misses the plate repeatedly. That’s impressive.
• Casey walks to load the bases, Varitek hits into a double play, and apparently that’s it. What happened? Shouldn’t there be more walking? I think so.

Fifth Inning

• Abreu takes a called third strike. Shall we restart the inning?
• The Mayor tries to annex the dugout and cameramen but fails to catch the foul ball that nearly kills Peter Gammons. His explanation? “Bad hands.” Also: “Frozen hands.” My mancrush on Gammons only grows.
• Alex Rodriguez grounds out to Youkilis. Do the Yankees know they’re supposed to score runs and walk and stuff?
• Matsui walks and the natural order returns.
• Posada singles and Terry Francona considers just how many more pitches it will take for Daisuke’s arm to fly off and land in Pacific waters, sending it back to Japan for repairs. 112 pitches now.
• Giambi saves Francona from figuring out how many licks the arm can take by flying out to Crisp. End of the top of the fifth in a deceptively quick 15 minutes.
• Did I mention that I own Gammons’ album? I do. He does a decent version of “Death or Glory”. Yes, he cleans up the lyrics. What can you do?
• Crisp grounds out to Giambi and the game settles into something resembling baseball for the first time tonight.
• Lugo grounds out to shortstop. Is Ross hitting his spots now or are the Red Sox just bailing him out?
• Cano throws out Ellsbury and that’s that. The hell? Is that all there is?

Sixth Inning

• David Aardsma (of the Yellow Pages locksmith Aardsmas) replaces Matsusaka. Jose Molina grounds out to start the frame.
• Alberto Gonzalez walks and I’d like to point out at this time that I have not made one political joke about the young man tonight. I need some kind of cookie for this.
• Oh, look. Another walk. That is the fourteenth walk of this game. Already.
• Robinson Cano grounds out, advancing the runners. He still can’t hit worth a damn this season, but he’s productive. Maybe.
• Abreu floats the ball to deep left, but the Monster never looks up. The top of the sixth ends in a whimper; the score remains 7-4 Red Sox.
• The Monster takes down one of its own. Pedroia bounces a ball high off the fickle creature and Matsui steps back to get the ball and throws hard to Cano. However, a moment’s hesitiation by Pedroia costs him. The offline throw faked him into taking off. Cano lunges at Pedroia; Pedroia tries to flatten out at second. He doesn’t make it, but there’s a mic near second that captures his disagreement on that point. One out.
• J.D. Drew grounds out to second in a rather plain manner, following Pedroia’s Folly.
• Manny watches the third strike pass him by and a second inning ends as if professional ballplayers are participating. I’m starting to miss the nonsense. More walks!

Seventh Inning

• Aardsma returns for another inning of abuse. He may be Top of the Alphabetical Pops, but he’s not a learner.
• Rodriguez attempts numerous times to fly out to right, dumping a fine selection of souvenirs in the crowd past foul ground. Finally, he succeeds. You have to appreciate his resolve.
• If you want to honor Jackie Robinson, stop making him baseball’s patron saint of equality. It’s a mistake borne from genuine love, but it’s too much. There’s plenty room left to love his game, his struggles, and his success without making him a holy symbol in the church of baseball.
• Posada grounds out and my hobby horse is shelved for the rest of the contest. Get your yoga in before the bottom of the seventh.
• Youkilis grounds out to a man the size of Jackie Robinson.
• Tom Werner promised they wouldn’t try to add more seats to Fenway Park? ahahahahahhaahahahaha.
• ahaahhahahahahahhahahahahaha.
• Casey grounds out. Varitek pops out. Inning ends. Apparently, someone has a moving day tomorrow. The eighth awaits.

Eighth Inning

• ahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha.
• John and Sam Adams constantly get confused for each other. Which one gets me drunk? That one’s the patriotic American.
• Mike Timlin in to give up his contractually required home run to Jason Giambi. Red Sox Nation reconsiders its anti-lynching ordinances. 7-5 Red Sox.
• The eighth inning has been designated as Performance Enhancing Discussion inning. Feel free to step out now; I’ll fill you in on what you miss when you get back.
• Molina singles on a vulnerable Timlin. No one in the announcing team notices. Someone stole my hobby horse.
• When Wilson Betemit is your pinch runner, you may have a weight problem. Or one leg.
• When Melky Cabrera is your pinch hitter… actually, there’s no shame in that, Alberto Gonzalez. Good night, son.
• Melky singles. The pitching exchanges begin in earnest; Javier López sprints in.

• Dustin Pedroia justifies Francona’s change by pulling off the lovely tag-’em-out & toss-’em-out double play. Betemit stands at third.
• The ball boy for the Red Sox seems awfully… not-boyish.
• Cano rolls to Pedroia. Due to the lineup shenanigans, Posada and his wounded body have to catch and the DH disappears. Bottom of the eighth approaches.
• SWEET JESUS SHUT UP
• (dah dah dah)
• Girardi brings in Kyle Farnsworth to give up a single to Coco Crisp, showing that he doesn’t terribly care about the result tonight.
• Crisp runs on Posada’s injury. Safe. Thankfully, only 17% of runners score after a steal. Roughly.
• Crisp deceptively beats the throw on a fly ball to Abreu. One down.
• Melky makes a helluva catch in center to get Ellsbury out, but Crisp scores on another sac fly. 8-5 Red Sox.
• Pedroia singles and who didn’t see this coming, exactly? I mean, besides Girardi.
• Girardi has hung Posada out to dry. He’s not even ordering Farnsworth to throw over to first a million times. Therefore, Dustin steals second unchallenged.
• Drew flies out to left. Time to put up or go home.

Ninth Inning

• Alex Rodriguez checks his clutchness. Also, his transmission fluidness.
• But first! The Bobby Abreu Experience leaves us cold as Lugo, who both Jon Miller and a certain woman can testify has a “strong arm”, throws out Bobby.
• Manny Delcarmen, A-Rod thrower, has been called in to complete the task he was built for. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
• All bets are in.  Strikeout.  Strikeout for A-Rod.
• Matsui holds the final hope. Let’s see if his hand cramps in the clutch.
• Hideki Matsui becomes Dustin Pedroia’s final victim.  Final score: 8-5 Red Sox.

In the battle of the useless starting pitching, Matsusaka lasted just a bit longer, exposing the Red Sox bullpen just a bit less than the Yankees.  Between that and questionable tactical decisions by Girardi, the Yankees were sunk.

See y’all soon; thanks for stopping by.  Now it’s time for the bionic arm implants Brooks promised me.  The current pair are shot.