From Brooks at the half:

“We wonder if our efforts tonight will net us the annual Stephen A. Smith Blackberry blogger of the year award.

We’re really trying to figure out why they built the Alamodome. Besides arena football and one Final Four every 8 years, what was the point?

It’s a non-descript building that has no personality. We checked out the worst seats for the game earlier today and the view is absolutely insane. We hear they actually reside in Antiguan airspace.

We can certainly see why the Spurs wanted out.

As for the cheerleaders, we’re too far away to make a definitive judgment on who has a better squad. From afar, both sets of girls are smokin’. We don’t want to get too close, then you start to see the imperfections and it ruins the fantasy.

Halftime!”

In the interest of full disclosure, certain legal decisions against Brooks also limit his ability to interact with college cheerleaders in public places.

At the half, Tyler Hansbrough gets face time (thank God!) as he collects the Chevy Player of the Year award:

I admit it’s unfair to pick out the worst screenshot possible, but this is the enduring mental image I have of Tyler: vacant stare, mumbling monotone, deer-in-the-Kansas-headlights. I want to be more confident in his performance tonight, but I just see him like he is above. More on that in 90 minutes.

Halftime update:

(These people love free throw fundamentals)

Apparently, there’s not enough room in Texas for decently-sized concourses. Brooks compares it to Wrigley Field, which isn’t a bad comparison.

Second Half:

18:45: Memphis 42-35. Two quick fouls on Taggert and Dorsey place a little pressure on Calipari; here’s hoping velour wicks away moisture. However, Ben Howland (The Timeout Machine) takes another pause to consider where the hell those four quick points came from.

16:00 Memphis 48-39. Memphis is still tall. Also, long. I bet they could give urine tests from the next stall. Too bad Andre Allen didn’t think of that earlier.

UCLA fans and approximately 75% of all viable remaining office brackets are starting to fold under the pressure. Just a reminder that the Buffalo Bills have not been mentioned yet in this broadcast.

13:32 Memphis 50-45. I haven’t heard this much pressure put on Moute & Love since Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian first started dating. Packer wants more Moute & Love. The 13-year-old mind boggles.

Brooks Update: UCLA fans are DOA at the ‘Dome right now. Memphis appears to have fewer people in the building, but they’re making much more noise.

Also, Ben Howland’s head glare can be seen from Austin. I hope he calls a time out about this as soon as possible.

10:00 Memphis 58-49. Backcourt points count twice as much as frontcourt points. Maybe. I guess. Why was that important again? UCLA’s fastbreak defense improves, so Memphis starts hitting contested shots. That just seems unfair.

8:00 Memphis 59-49. Why won’t anyone listen to Packer?

(This is how my gym teacher taught Health class: Xs and Os)

This may be the only playbook every player will read. Why won’t anyone listen to the wisdom of the ages?

Brooks update: The loudest cheer in this “stinko” second half has been for the UNC band settling in. Just like the rest of the country, this game is just the appetizer for the Battle of the Century (This Week) for the Alamodome crowd.

5:00 Memphis 61-52. CD-R rips!

2:00 Memphis 67-54. Collison fouls out, Memphis hits free throws (what, again?), and UCLA looks completely befuddled. Their fans probably left at the half while Memphis’ fans may have to be forced from their chairs.

CD-R wants you to know it’s nothing personal.

Brooks update: Penny Hardaway is at the game (really? Not busy?) and gets a huge ovation. Quote: “What, no William Bedford penitentiary cam?”

Also, there isn’t a single advertising sign in the building. Like I said earlier, it’s nice to have so much money rolling in that you can turn down lucrative revenue sources without flinching.

0:00 Memphis 78-63.  Straight Pimpin’ wins out, much as predicted here. Packer bitches about Love not getting touched enough or some such.  The hero of Packers everywhere falls to the, you know, basketball players.  Who didn’t see that coming?

Oh, right.  America.

See you all just before the start of the Main Event.