Stephen Colbert has the Colbert Bump, granted to anyone appearing on his show. The subsequent positive publicity brings happiness to the recipient.
Now we can see the effects of an even greater bump: the Erin Andrews Bump. When she accepted the roses and hug from a Kansas cheerleader, she gifted them with the success they’re now experiencing. Everyone exposed to the Erin Andrews Bump feels much happier and more successful.
(Look, throw me a bone, okay? This one’s Grade A Turkey.)
Here’s what I imagine the halftime speech consisted of in the North Carolina locker room:
“Remember when I told you to go out there and have fun? Fun’s over. Get your heads out of your asses and play the *%#@(*&@ game of basketball before I revoke all your scholarships and give them to the next twelve people to walk in my office. Sons of bitches!”
Imagine what Kansas could have accomplished if Roderick Stewart could have worn his KU jersey well.
20:00 Let the beatings begin!
17:00 Kansas 52-36. Tyler Hansbrough would like to know when the rest of his teammates will arrive for the game. He’s feeling Kansas deep inside him and he’d like someone to maybe pull them out of him.
Brooks update: Kudos to the whale trainers at Sea World San Antonio - their hard work with Hansbrough really paid off in the first 20 minutes.
14:45 Kansas 54-42. Don’t try to make me care, North Carolina. It’s not working.
…ack! No! Don’t use the band hugs on me! You know I cannot resist the precious innocence of a band hug! Damn you, UNC!
Brooks update: Brooks is pleased to let us know that the UNC cheerleaders are “animals”. They’re completing standing back flips during time outs. The East German judges are still submitting their technical merit scores.
Of course, the guys are meatballs.
A Brooks quote: “As UNC comes back, I can now officially confirm the detection of a dribble of glue creeping out from under Bill Self’s muskrat cover.” I hope it doesn’t try to escape in the second half.
Finally, Brooks reminds us that you can’t get this kind of insight while on the service porch in your underwear. Ask Rick Reilly!
12:00 Kansas 54-48. Did Jim Nantz run back to the Kansas locker room at the half and lock them in? “YOU’RE NOT STICKING ME WITH THE LOWEST RATINGS EVER FOR A FINAL FOUR!” *click*
Coach Vs. Coach - Roy Williams snuck behind the Kansas bench just after halftime ends and whispers loudly to no one in particular that he heard Oklahoma State was offering a lifetime supply of girdles to their new coach. Self hasn’t been seen since.
8:00 Kansas 58-53. Kansas hasn’t been able to break out of a halfcourt set the entire second half; it’s hard to be deep and talented when you’re forced to stand still and stare at each other.
(Wait, it’s okay to run offensive sets? Could someone get down to the bench and tell them?)
Brooks update: Brooks’ investigative journalism has unearthed the reason for the huge second half turnaround. The Alamodome switched the name of the squad from Chapel Hill on the scoreboard from “Carolina” to “UNC” at the half. No, really. Apparently, we just watched the University of South Carolina for the whole first half.
5:00 Kansas 69-61. The circus shots have been broken out by both squads. Where was this for the previous 35 minutes? Would it be too much to ask 19- and 21-year-old men to play with consistency at the highest level for 40 minutes?
Oh. Okay. My bad.
This score had better hold. I don’t want to live in a world where the Band Hug holds more power than the Erin Andrews Bump.
4:00 Kansas 73-61. All hail the Bump! (Also, all hail a couple delayed fast breaks.)
Roderick Stewart update: Do you think he’s injured?
0:00 Kansas 84-66. Who’s two-for-two tonight? Who is it? Oh, that’s right. It’s ME.
Bless UNC for making it interesting for a bit and making the Memphis-Kansas matchup a bit closer in our minds than it probably deserves to be. Still, in the end, it’s a win for the Bump.
One last Brooks update: “In closing, we’d like to salute Tyler Hansbrough on a floptacular season. We’re so pleased he went out like the champion he is. Now it’s off to the Riverwalk to lens distraught UNC co-eds!” He’s truly doing God’s work.
Come back Monday night for the Final Liveblog: Long vs. Deep. It promises to be 40 Minutes of Heaven.