(Athleticism in action)

The Larry Brown Invitational continues with Kansas against North Carolina. Both Bill Self and Roy Williams have ordered their players to have fun tonight in a vain attempt to get them to relax. Tyler Hansbrough’s anus probably hasn’t unclenched since the third grade. No wonder he always looks like he will explode.

Hey, that’s an auspicious start if I ever saw one.

Again, Brooks is at the contest and will send reports as long as his phone survives. Unlike the other Alamo denizens, he’ll keep his powder dry and save his ammo until he’s needed. (Also, he looks great in a coonskin cap.)

Here’s your CBS-approved storylines:

• Seth Davis has warned us that making shots will help Kansas win the game. Noted.
• Tyler Hansbrough plays harder than Jesus ever did
• Where Memphis is long, Kansas is deep. Hmm.
• Tyler Hansbrough: possible Scientologist
• Ty Lawson’s speed cannot be measured by your mere moral diagnostics (but for different reasons than Kevin Love)
• Roderick Stewart, backup guard for the Jayhawks, broke his kneecap on a wet spot on the Alamodome court and will have a difficult time convincing anyone that he’s sexy for awhile (i.e., expect a Rod Stewart joke every time he’s mentioned during the broadcast)
• Brandon Rush was once injured but is no longer injured but he was once injured and he recovered from the injury and isn’t that amazing?

Finally, Kansas fans hate Roy Williams for abandoning them and not loving them enough forever. Bill Self did the same thing to Illinois, but they’re not here (surprise!), so screw you Judas Williams!

Therefore, I will interject each time the two coaches try to foil each other with…

Coach Vs. Coach - Bill Self attempts to swap Roy Williams’ eyeglasses for special exploding glasses, but Roderick Stewart accidentally sits on them, giving him a reason to believe he’s cursed this year.

Prediction: I want to see Deep vs. Long. Kansas 74-71.

Pregame: A little booing for Roy Williams? No kidding.

(Oh, honey; you really need to get with the program)

First Half
20:00 And we’re off!

17:00 Kansas 9-6. Three minutes, 15 points. They’re on pace for 162 home runs this season. (Oops. Wrong notes.)

Is Bud Light using a Portuguese-Canadian to sell a Corona ripoff to Mexican- and other Latin-Americans? Really? Is that how NAFTA works now?

13:27 Kansas 15-10. They’re still running, but they seem to have forgotten the final part of the run’n’shoot. Or maybe clarify with “run’n’shoot’score”. Maybe both teams could have a little less fun now?

Brooks update: Between games, folks in the concourse were scalping tickets for the Finals. Perhaps Memphis fans didn’t have as much confidence as they could. UCLA fans probably need a place to dump them, too. By the way, how great is it that the NCAA whines all year about scalped tickets and then allows this to happen?

Also, the ‘Dome’s more full in this game. Kansas and UNC fans skipped the first contest.

Finally, gotta love Texas: if you’re a smoker, you can step outside the Alamodome to circumvent anti-smoking laws. If you don’t blacken your lungs, though, stay inside and buy our concessions.

11:30 Kansas 23-10. No more North Carolina turnovers for me, please; they go right to my score. Apparently, all that grit can cause the ball to be hard to handle.

By the way, what’s with all these athletic and talented teams beating the gritty teams? Don’t they know there’s a narrative? There was supposed to be a narrative!

Coach Vs. Coach - Roy Williams, sick of the turnovers, tries rubbing rosin all over his players’ hands during a timeout. Bill Self spots the move, though, and whispers to Tubbs and Crockett in the front row that there’s a cocaine deal going on at the other bench. Pandemonium ensues.

10:00 Kansas 31-10. Remember how I said that I’d accept all #1 seeds if the games were as exciting as the Memphis/UCLA first half?

Yeah, I’m kind of a dumbass. 239847329 turnovers for UNC.

9:45 HANSBROUGH LOST A BATTLE. HE WAS OUT-GRITTED. GRAVITY MAY STOP WORKING AT ANY MOMENT. OH DEAR GOD THE CHILDREN

7:30 Kansas 38-12. Billy Packer just declared the game over. Unfortunately, Brooks doesn’t see it that way, so we’re here for the duration. I will take liveblogging requests for the rest of the game.

By the way, Jim Nantz’s earnest disbelief that Billy Packer would throw the entire casual viewing audience under the bus and send them off looking for NCIS reruns pleases me immensely.

Brooks update: KU students did the stupid ‘bounce’ thing to start the game. Unfortunately, KU students are in the third section, so almost no one noticed. SbB noted this would be the case on Friday.

Did you know Mickell Gladness set an NCAA record with 13 blocked shots in a game for Alabama A&M? Even the scoreboard operator in the Alamodome has opened the Big Bag O’Filler early.

Also, Roy Williams hasn’t left the bench since the 18-0 run started in earnest.

4:30 Kansas 40-17. UNC just scored their first basket in nearly 10 minutes. Roy Williams is starting to look a little like Ol’ Yeller and Kansas fans have an itchy trigger finger.

Also: I will be dealing with this unfortunate turn of events in the best manner possible: Kansas cheerleader pictures.

First one to explain the castle motif gets a No-Prize.

2:30 Kansas 40-22. Ten in a row from UNC and you almost want to pat their little Scientologist on the head and give him a cookie. Isn’t he trying so hard! Aww, isn’t he pwecious?

Really, if you just got excited about that run, you have a bracket dependent on a UNC win. Or an unhealthy crush on Roy Williams.

0:00 Kansas 44-27. Yes, that score is closer. I am also now twice as close as I was before to scoring with Stockard Channing. (Don’t judge.)

Coach Vs. Coach - Bill Self points and laughs at Roy Williams. Roy Williams weeps.

(Seriously, Spy. vs. Spy parodies only work when the spies are equal. Roy, want to get on that?)

Alright, see you masochists in the second half thread. I’ll give you a moment to take stock of your life before continuing. Add “at least I’m not a Tar Heel” to the positive side of the ledger.