Goodell Memo Guarantees No Spygates For 2008

Faced with criticism from his handling of “Spygate”, and non-stop agitation from Arlen Specter, NFL commish Roger Goodell is fighting back with the most devastating weapon known to man - a strongly-worded memo!

Roger Goodell

The WASHINGTON POST reports that Goodell sent a little note to the league’s competition committee on Thursday, outlining how the NFL can “preserve the competitive integrity of the game” and “maintain public confidence” - and stay out of congressional hearings.

For next season, Goodell wants to “conduct unannounced inspections of locker rooms, stadium press boxes and in-game communications equipment, and to lower the standard of proof needed for him to impose penalties on a team or person for cheating.”

Wow, it’s like junior high all over again. Or the KGB’s making a comeback.

In addition, the commish wants “team employees to report ‘actual or suspected’ violations” (*ahem*, Matt Walsh), and wants to require “each team’s principal owner, top football executive and head coach to stipulate annually, under the threat of league discipline, that they complied with the rules and reported violations” (*ahem*, Bill Belichick).

The competition committee will be meeting next week in Naples, Fla. Wonder if they’ll be dining at the local Philippe location.