Roger Clemens Speaks, Has Nothing To Say

For the past year, retired dushbag Roger Clemens has been lying low out of the public eye since testifying before Congress on his alleged use of magical performance-enhancing potions. The popular theory was that Clemens was hunkering down with his legal team in preparation of a legal battle with…well, any number of people, really. Mindy McCready? Brian McNamee? All of the above?

roger clemens grimmace

Well, with the publication of a new book linking Clemens to ‘roids, the Rocket decided now was the time to set the record straight once and for all in an email interview with HOUSTONIST.COM. Oh, did I just say “set the record straight?” Sorry. I meant, “continue being the raging dushbag he’s always been.”

Kudos to the HOUSTONIST for landing the exclusive, but they earn a big Texas-sized thumbs-down for the softballs they lobbed:

What’s the truth?

The truth is the truth. I’ve said it many times. I don’t know what else to say about that.

Gee thanks, Aristotle. They continued:

You have stated that you never took HGH. However, your wife has admitted she took HGH and that that drug was provided by Brian McNamee. Are you saying that he was an adviser of yours and you let him give your wife a performance enhancing drug that you have never taken?

First, I did not “let” Brian McNamee inject my wife. As I stated in the congressional deposition, I was not at home when the incident took place. All you have to do is read — just go to the congressional website and spend some time reading.

Right, because no baseball player has ever lied to Congress before. Nope, not ever. The interview continues right as you’d expect, with Clemens denying everything and hoping for the ever-elusive “chance to set the record straight” (PS: Rog, that’s what testifying under oath in front of Congress is for). Then, this:

I want to thank the fans and supporters who have been nothing but great to me and my family over the past year or so. I look forward to seeing you around town.

Peace in the Middle East.

Words fail me. I mean, sure, I guess we’re all on board with you there, Rog, but THAT’S how you sign off of a baseball interview? I guess we should just be happy it wasn’t “Audi 5000, brah.”