Rockies SS Attacked by Rogue Bat, Hits DL Hard

Troy Tulowitzki returned to the disabled list over the weekend after a three-week absence from the list to tend to baseball-related duties when his bat tragically exploded in his right hand after leaving Friday’s game in favor of Omar Quintanilla. Tulowitzki took sixteen stitches but should not suffer permanent damage to the hand.

Temper tantrum

The bat jolted Tulowitzki’s hand after being picked up by the 23-year-old when he left the game at manager Clint Hurdle’s request and threw itself to the ground, dragging his hand with it. When the bat hit the ground, it shattered into many pieces, cutting Tulowitzki through his right palm.

There is no reason to believe the bat was broken when Tulowitzki smashed the bat into the ground in a temper tantrum for being pulled from the game.

Except, of course, he pretty much confessed as much and apologized profusely for his “stupid injury that I could have prevented.”

We love that the AP writer felt compelled to point out that the offending bat was made of highly volatile maple and not the safe-for-kids-and-pets ash. We don’t know anything about an ash bat/media/MLB conspiracy that started a smear campaign to ruin the reputation of maple bats. We would never suggest such a thing is happening right now.

However, we have heard from unnamed and possibly non-existent sources that maple bats are soaked in nitroglycerin and then stained with the blood of baby deer in a Satanic ritual before being shipped to ballplayers across this nation. So, y’know, watch out at the ballpark.