Redskins Coach Zorn Has Scorn For Internet Porn

Jim Zorn is a football coach, and football coaches don’t much care for these computers and these Internets. Seriously, they have so many things with which to occupy their time that what bloggers think is, to them, completely irrelevant. We’ve accepted it.

Jim Zorn
(The New Zornographer himself.)

But coaches are still men, and men have needs. Ball-draining needs, at that. And while we’re sure every single reader of ours is such a damn stud that he has no problem convincing his wife/fiancee/girlfriend/prostitute to give it up on command, but for some people, manual stimulation is the way to go. But if Zorn’s ever defiled himself, he didn’t do it the way most of us do.

Per the REDSKINS INSIDER, Zorno doesn’t like the porno:

“In my whole life, I’ve never been on a pornography site. Ever. First of all, I don’t know how the - I guess I could push pornography and see what’s out there - but I don’t have the desire to do that. You see what I mean? And yet, I know that there’s other guys on pornography sites, but that’s too much. I don’t need to get on a pornography site to see the temptations that some of these guys might have. I don’t choose to get into it that much. I don’t go down that road. I don’t try to drink Jack Daniels just to know what it’s like. I’m pretty straight when it comes to those things and principled.”

“Besides, every time I need to bust a load, I just watch John Riggins highlights and I’m spraying baby batter all over my office in under two minutes.”

Okay, I made the last part up. The first paragraph is all true.

C’mon, Zornography. You’ve never taken a ride on the Bangbus? You don’t automatically get a chubber every time you hear a girl ask “what’s with the camera?” Your credit card bill doesn’t have a mysterious $39.95 monthly charge from (that last one may be a little, um, author-specific. don’t judge me).

Zorn’s anti-pornography screed, while largely unprovoked, was part of a larger point about relating to players’ interests off the field. And while we’re (Cooley) not naming names (Cooley), we’re pretty (Cooley) sure we have (Cooley) an idea which Redskin (Cooley) is such a porno fiend that (Cooley) his coach mentions it as an off-field interest his players have (Cooley Cooley Cooley oh god it’s Chris Cooley it has to be he showed his donger on his blog).