Red Sox Nation Panic Forces Martial Law, Looting

Red Sox Nation flags fly at half-mast today as two key citizens are leaving for an extended period, neither entirely of their own volition. First, David Ortiz has damage in the sheath that protects a tendon in his left wrist. He’ll be immobilized for a month and still might need surgery.

OUT IN CENTER FIELD points out that Papi Grande will now miss that State Farm promotion during the All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium; we point out that Hank Steinbrenner’s one sneaky SOB and is known to own a sheath-cutting knife. We’re not sayin’; we’re jus’ sayin’.

Hazel Mae

(In this example, the red dress is a tendon sheath…)

However, there is a second loss that may be just as hard to take for the denizens of Red Sox Union of Closely Affiliated States, Municipalities, and Wherever Jimmy Fallon Is This Week: Hazel Mae is out at NESN.

She was apparently lowballed on a new contract by NESN, so she packed her talent-laden bags and went home to a job to-be-determined. NESN will probably replace her with some young lady currently working the weekend sports anchor desk in Keokuk, IA, but will they ever truly replace her?

… well, yes. As Paul Simon almost said once, “We’ll throw another scantily-clad mic jockey up the regional sports network charts.”