Red Sox Attempt at World Domination Discovered

Jacoby Ellsbury has signed on to promote yet another vitamin drink. Normally, we’d agree with you that this is a non-starter, but we’ve been monitoring the Red Sox situation closely over the last few months and we believe this is the final piece to the puzzle that Theo Epstein has been constructing for years. Bear with us as we explain.

Young Frankenstein

The mad Dr. Epstein (pronounced ‘ep-SCHTEEN’ when he’s in the lab, thank you very much) has been constructing the world’s most perfect man in the bowels of Fenway Park. He plans to use his creation to first rule the American League and eventually the entire world. Yes, it’s true. We were as shocked as you are when we finally figured it out.

This Übermensch has the strength of David Ortíz, the brain of its creator, the speed of Coco Crisp (and now you know why he hasn’t been traded yet), the charisma and leadership of Jason Varitek, the flexibility and dancing of Dustin Pedroia (not to mention his grit), the playfulness of Manny Ramírez, and now the vitamin-induced stamina of Jacoby Ellsbury.

Through great personal risk, we have obtained grainy video of this beast-man possessing all these traits meant to make the Ladies… weak in the knees and the men quake in his presence. Brace yourself…

It’s his way or the highway.