Please Don’t Bring ‘Hearies’ To Deaf Soccer Match

You would think that soccer, while especially entertaining (especially to our overseas brothers and sisters) in and of itself, is not sufficiently important that you would need to alter your own identity and defraud others just to win a match. And by “alter your own identity,” to be sure, we mean pretend to be handicapped.

Cartman retarded (Cartarded?)
(The same principle at work, really.)

But since we’re so much as discussing that idea, you can probably guess what happened. All that’s left to mystery are the setting and details. The setting is Ghana, and the details? They. are. tremendous.

Via the unprofessionally foul folks at UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL:

James Armah, an official with the Ghana Ministry of Youth and Sports has been arrested in connection with the participation of hearing and speaking participants, while leaving the actual deaf and/or dumb players behind in Ghana whose passports had not even been released. Mr. Armah appears to have been involved in a money making scheme where around 25 people paid around $4,000 for a trip to Australia to play in a soccer match, but no word on where this money is at this time.

Ghana, no! Actually, it’s completely unfair to put this on the entire country; it’s just the work of one government official who clearly and obviously left any sense of scruples at home.

Moreover, we’re not really sure how this scheme was supposed to work. Sure, we’ve got people paying $4,000 to take a soccer trip, but… then what? What were they supposed to gain by sending other people on the trip to play instead? If there’s prize money involved, we’re not seeing anything like that.

And then to bring it all home,  as UF notes, one of the most surreal analogies of all time:

When Francis Drake, who was a pirate, captured the Spanish Armada and sent it to Britain, he was knighted and he became Sir Francis Drake. The British did not try him; did they?

Wait. What? Does Armah play the role of Sir Francis Drake? Or is Who is the Spanish Armada? The “players.” Is Ghana Britain? I am so confused. I literally have no idea what this analogy means.

Uh, duh, guys. It means “pirates are neat.” Doy.