Pittsburgh Strikes Down The Upholstered Menace

Good news, Pittsburgh! Now that your local football team will clearly be winning Super Bowls every year for the next decade or so, your city council is taking a proactive approach to, shall we say, celebration-proofing your neighborhood. Did they do that by catching the bank-robbing Steeler fan from the parade? Well, no, but they are eliminating the one thing that can take down civil order as we know it: COUCHES.


(Run for your life!)

Look, couches are a known threat. They sometimes come with cats in them. They nearly took this man’s life. And worst of all, as West Virginia fans are acutely aware, they are delightfully flammable. Apparently, Pittsburgh fans figured this out as they celebrated their latest Super Bowl victory, igniting several specimens of the Upholsterus genus (section Furnitura, species Couchus and Sofalia). So is the city taking a reasoned approach to the problem and increasing enforcement and penalties on public burning?

Of course not! Instead, they’re merely banning all sofas from porches, a move that doesn’t even make sense after six beers (I’ll check back in half an hour after I’m up to eight on the day, but I’m not optimistic). As the UPI reports, city councilmen have jumped into a giant barrel of crazy and are now saying this rule is necessary… or else MASSIVE CATASTROPHE happens:

Councilman Bruce Kraus said the proposal is a precaution to prevent the furniture from being used in celebratory fires, the PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE said Thursday.

“Rome is burning, and we just wasted a week,” Kraus said Wednesday showing council members fiery celebrations in Pittsburgh’s Oakland neighborhood. “One idiot that decides to place an accelerant on the wood of that porch, and that whole row of houses could go up.”

I’m sorry, the whole row of houses? What in the name of God are they making couches out of in Pittsburgh, C-4?! Perhaps our headline should be: “FURNITURE IN WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA CAN KILL THOUSANDS AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE.”

And yet still, there doesn’t seem to be any added emphasis on anything else, just having couches on your porch. It’s like they’re telling residents, “Let’s see you try to burn your couch… now that you have to carry it out a door first! Problem solved!” Or, in an even more troubling proposition, they’re telling ‘Burghers to burn their furniture inside their own houses! That’s arson, pal, and it’s dangerous!

Either way, I think it’s safe to say couches are clearly the biggest threats to life, liberty, and property in the greater Pittsburgh area. The solution is clear: they must be burned at once. To the streets, and bring the matches! For freedom!